Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, December 31, 1892 by Various
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
December 31, 1892.
THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.
(_A Characteristic Welcome to the Coming Year._)
It was on the 31st of December that they met. It had been arranged that at the final hour of the last day of the expiring year they should compare notes, and not one of them had failed to keep the appointment. It would be scarcely right to say they were cheerful, but merriment was not included in the programme.
[Illustration: The Military Man.]
"There is not the slightest chance of my bettering myself," said the Military Man. "Now that the Regiment has come from India, I can't afford to live at home, and I can't exchange because of my liver. Promotion was never slower than in 'Ours,' and my look-out is about the most ghastly there ever yet was seen."
[Illustration: The Briefless Barrister.]
"You are wrong there," observed the Briefless Barrister of mature years. "I think mine is a shade worse. I give you my word that during the last twelve months I have not earned enough fees to pay the rent of my Chambers and the salary of my Clerk. And things are getting worse and worse. One of the Solicitors who used to give me an occasional turn has been struck off the Rolls, and the other, has transferred his business to Australia. I feel inclined to follow, but I can't raise the passage-money. What luck, now, could be worse than mine?"
"Why mine," answered the Author. "An entirely new set of men have come to the front since I was popular, and my works are a drug in the market. I haven't been able to get rid of more than a dozen pages during the twelve months, and they appeared in a Magazine that stopped before the appearance of the next number! The future never looked blacker and more hopeless. I believe I am the most unfortunate man on earth."
[Illustration: The Doctor.]
"I fancy you are wrong," put in the Doctor. "I think my look-out worse than yours. Sold my practice seven years ago to flutter on the Stock Exchange. Lost my money in seven minutes, and have never had a patient since. I went to West Slocum (my old home) the other day, and found the place occupied by three Doctors, and the local Undertaker told me there was not room enough for one! Talk about luck, I am the unluckiest dog in the world!"
[Illustration: The Actor who has his Head turned with Applause.]
"I am not so sure of that," said the Actor, "here have I been 'resting' for the last twelve months, and it seems just as likely as not that I shall continue the operation until '94. I have tried everything in Town and the Provinces, and there isn't an opening anywhere. My fate is about the worst of the lot."
[Illustration: The Artist.]
"Not so bad as mine," grumbled the Artist. "Haven't sold a single picture since the Jubilee year, and can't afford to pay the frame-maker. My studio is full of paintings, and the dealers say that there isn't a single canvas amongst the lot but what would be refused admission to an Exhibition of Sign-boards! Don't know how I should have kept body and soul together if it hadn't been for an opportune loan from one who in happier times was, in my employment as a model. Talk about prospects! Look at mine!"
[Illustration: Bulls and Bears. City Men.]
"Well, come, you are better off than I am," said the City Man. "If I hadn't now and again to appear before the Registrar in the Bankruptcy Court, I don't know what I should do with my time! I am stone broke. That's about it--stone broke! Knocked out of the 'House,' and without a scrap of credit: I am done for!"
And it was agreed that none of them had any prospects. Then they separated, or rather, were on the eve of separating.
"By the way--fancy forgetting to do it!" said one of them.
And then they rectified the omission, and wished one another, "A Happy New Year!"
[Illustration: The latest Kangaroo Development.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: DRAWN BLANK.
_Huntsman._ "HOW IS IT YOU NEVER HAVE ANY FOXES HERE NOW?"
_Keeper_ (_who has orders to shoot them_). "PHEASANTS HAVE EAT 'EM ALL!"]
* * * * *
THE FEAST OF REASON UP TO DATE.
The old Alchemist smiled as he watched the crucible on the glowing coals. The fumes rose, and he inhaled them with delight.
It was a triumph. Yes, he was able to go forth a conqueror. It mattered not where he wandered, for all flew from before him. He seemed to possess some subtle power that no one understood, but which was all-conquering. After a lengthened absence he returned to England.
At his Club he met one of his friends--a doctor.
"I will tell you my adventures," said the old Alchemist, lighting a strong cigar. "You must know----"
"I know everything," said the Physician, sternly. "I know why you have scared the Arabs, and why disease cannot touch you. The secret is revealed by a recent _Lancet_. You can brave disease and death, because _you are fond of eating onions_!"
Seeing that his secret was known, the old Alchemist heaved a heavy sigh, and disappeared, perchance for ever!
* * * * *
[Illustration: A PRIME CUT.
_Mrs. Fidget_ (_who has been fingering all the Joints for some time_). "CAN YOU GUARANTEE THIS TO BE WELSH MUTTON?"
_Butcher's Assistant._ "CERTAINLY WE CAN, MUM; BUT IF YOU GO 'ANDLING IT MUCH LONGER, IT'LL BE _IRISH STOO_ DIRECTLY!"]
* * * * *
THE PLEA OF THE POSTMAN.
All work and no play Makes a dull boy; so they say, Proverb-mongers, pretty bards. "All play," may be, worse I'll bet 'em! If they doubt my word, then let 'em Try _my_ hand at (Christmas) Cards!
_Punch in reply._
True for you! You growl with reason. Hearts are trumps, and at this season, Pray remember, Goldylocks, When your cards arrive in flocks, Postman earns _his_ Christmas Box!
* * * * *
"REDE ME ARIGHT!"--SIR EDWARD REED, M.P., is anything but a "bruised reed." On the contrary. More correct would it be to describe him as A Bruiser Reed, for his plucky encounter with his adversaries, over whom he triumphed by "A Vast Majority."
* * * * *
_À propos_ of an interesting article in the _Daily Telegraph_ last Thursday on this subject, the problem that most naturally suggests itself is, "How about the dinner, if you haven't any tin?" "No Song, No Supper" is pleasantly alliterative, but is not of universal application. "No tin, no dinner," may pass into a proverb, but, anyhow, it's a fact.
* * * * *
"AH!" exclaimed our dear old Mrs. R., "I'm fond of high-class music. For many years I've heard my musical friends talking about 'SHOOLBRED'S Unfinished Symphony.' Why doesn't he get it finished? When was it ordered? But there--I know geniuses are always unpunctual."
* * * * *
(_As Illustrated by recent Political, Social, and other Public "Functions."_)
Say you'd get up an "Inaugural Meeting," _Anything_ "forming," or _Anyone_ "greeting," If you'd have guests in their tankards their nose bury, Ruddy with mirth, you must put up Lord ROSEBERY. If facts and statistics your minds you will task with, He must be followed--of course--by young ASQUITH. Q.C. and canny Earl, Earl and 'cute Q.C., gents! There you've your "Popular Programme" _in nuce_, gents!
* * * * *
TO MY RIVAL.
How I loved her, blindly, madly! Sighing sadly, Feeling hurt If I did not see her daily. Oh, how gaily She could flirt!
Flirt with me, or flirt with others, With my brothers Just as well,
How I could be such a duffer So to suffer, I can't tell.
Then you came, played tennis finely, Danced divinely, Sang as well;
Half Adonis, half Apollo, Beat me hollow. Such a swell!
How I hated you, so clever! _You_ were never Thought a bore!
When I saw you so romantic I was frantic; How I swore!
I've recovered. Is she not a Child that's got a Newer toy? From the first she thought she'd booked you; Now she's hooked you. Wish you joy!
I'll forgive you altogether,-- She'll see whether I shall care,-- Shake your hand and gaily greet you, When I meet you Anywhere.
* * * * *
A GRAND OLD DIARY FOR 1893.
(_Published in Advance._)
_January._--As I am in Biarritz, may just as well see how they manage things in Spain. Looked up the Ministry at Madrid, and drafted them a treaty with Portugal. They thanked me with the courtesy of hidaljos, but refused with the paltry jealousy of a petty-fogging second-rate Power! What nasty pride! Sent home to one of my Magazines, "How I took part in a Bull-fight."
_February._--Opened Parliament and set things going, and then thought I might take a trip to Russia to fill up the odd time. Had a chat with the CZAR, and knocked off a plan for the introduction of "Home Rule." CZAR polite, but didn't see it. Well of course every one has a right to his own opinions, still I think it would do. CZAR didn't. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "How I lived for three days in the Mines of Siberia."
_March._--Back to town for a few days, and then off again. CLARK says travelling the best thing in the world for superfluous energy. Did China thoroughly. Drew up a plan for altering the language, manners, religions, politics, and customs of the Chinese. Brought it before a Special Committee of Mandarins; but they prevaricated, and practically shelved it. Sent home to one of my Magazines an article, "How I had a Boxing-match with the Emperor of CHINA, and knocked his Majesty out of time."
_April._--Things going on decently well at Westminster, so started for Turkey. Arranged Turkish Finance for the Grand Vizier. But that official distinctly an--well, not a wise man--said he would knock out a better budget himself. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "My Fortnight's Manoeuvres with the Bashi Bazouks."
_May._--Dropped in at St. Stephen's, and put a few finishing touches to one or two measures, then away to Egypt. Sketched out a Republican form of Government for the Khedive. However, his Highness did not seem to see it. The Egyptians are very Conservative in their notions. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "A Fortnight in the MAHDI'S Camp, by an Acquaintance of OSMAN DIGNA."
_June._--Attended a couple of Cabinet Meetings, and then to America for a jaunt. Gave the President a carefully worked-out scheme for converting the Government of the United States into a Monarchy of limited liability. The President greatly pleased, but not quite sure it would work. The Americans are sadly behind the age. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "How to see the World's Fair at Chicago in Twenty Minutes, by One who has done it."
_July._--Session nearly out. Took part in a debate or two and then off to the North Pole in a balloon. Managed to see a good deal of snow and ice, and fancy we caught a sight of the Pole itself. Sent home (by parachute) to one of my Magazines, "How I got within Measurable Distance of the Moon."
_August._--Just back to Westminster for a couple of days to wind up the Session, then away to India. Went on my own responsibility to see the Ameer of AFGHANISTAN. Drew up a treaty in draft to be signed by the Ameer and the Emperor of RUSSIA, CZAR was immensely pleased and wanted to make me Prince of CRIM TARTARY. Sent to one of my Magazines. "How I shot my first Wild Elephant."
_September._--Returned to Hawarden for the inside of a week and then paid my hurried visit to Australia. Submitted to the Colonies a scheme for "A Federal Association for the encouragement of the Naturalisation of the Rabbit in Australasia." The proposal fell rather flat. Find the rabbit is already known in these places. Sent home to one of my Magazines an article entitled, "My Prize-fight with the Kangaroo, and how I won it."
_October._--In London for a few days, then to Mexico. Saw the President, and suggested the revival of the Empire. President very rude; told me to mind my own business. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "A Week on the Prairies Buffalo lassooing."
_November._--Popped in at Midlothian, and made a speech or two, and then hurried away to Norway and Sweden. Tried to induce them to give up _their_ form of Home Rule, which, as all the world knows, has been a failure. Wanted them to take our Irish edition. They asked me "if it had been a success?" Stumped! Sent to one of my Magazines, "How to take a Photograph by Midnight Sunlight, by One who has done it."
_December._--Obliged to stay at home, because I think we are going to change our Town-house. Downing Street most convenient, but question whether I shall be able to get a renewal of the lease next year. Sketched out the _scenario_ of the Drury Lane Pantomime; but Sir AUGUSTUS prefers his own. Well, well, youth will have its way. Sent in my special article for Christmas and the New Year, "The History of the World, from the Earliest Times to the close of the Nineteenth Century, by One who has employed his leisure moments in its compilation." And here I may conclude, by wishing everybody "A Happy New Year."
* * * * *
[Illustration: GETTING OUT OF IT.
_Fair Authoress._ "BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU READ ANY OF _MY_ BOOKS?"
_Q.C._ "NO; I'M KEEPING THEM FOR MY OLD AGE!"
_F. A._ "OH, DON'T TALK OF OLD AGE!--IT'S SO HORRID!"
_Q.C._ "NOT WITH YOUR BOOKS!"]
* * * * *
(_From Our Special Autolycus._)
MR. OSCAR BROWNING has republished, with other Historical Essays, his account of the Flight to Varennes, in which he demonstrates that CARLYLE was hopelessly wrong in the narrative which glows through the most famous and fascinating chapter in _The French Revolution_. There seems no doubt about it; but AUTOLYCUS says, he knows a man who would rather be wrong with CARLYLE than right with O. B.
* * * * *
Met the Duke of SOTTO-VOCE to-day. Evidently in most doleful dumps. "No, it's not the weather, AUTOLYCUS," he said. "Fact is that, although supposed to be a rich man, I am reduced to extremities. Lunched yesterday at the Carlton off dish of braised ox-tail, and supped at night at Beefsteak on cow-heel _à la cordonnier_."
* * * * *
AUTOLYCUS hears that, early in the New Year, Mr. ARMITSTEAD, Mr. GLADSTONE'S host in the South of France, will be raised to the Peerage, under the title of Baron BIARRITZ OF BARMOUTH. "Pau! Pau!" said Mr. STUART-RENDELL, when the rumour reached him. "What are Barmouth and Biarritz? I took Mr. G. on to the Pyrenees, and Cannes. If a fresh Barony is to be created for ARMITSTEAD, what shall I have?" "Why, a Canne'd one," said ALGY WEST, who is always _so_ ready. (_Signed_) AUTOLYCUS.
* * * * *
"THE LIBERATOR BUILDING SOCIETY:"--To liberate, means, "make free." If the present charges are proven, the title will be rather appropriate, considering how very free it seems to have made with a considerable amount of property.
* * * * *
[Illustration: The Foreman of the Jury.]
* * * * *
THE MAN WHO WOULD.
V.--THE MAN WHO WOULD BRING AN ACTION FOR LIBEL.
The following incident in the career of BROWZER was recalled to memory by an article in a literary journal. An author was airing his grievances; among them this,--that writers of repute occasionally lend their names and pens to obscure or unsuccessful papers for a consideration, without asking how the usual staff of the paper is paid. These, indeed, are delicate inquiries. Part of the plaint was expressed in the following sentence:--
"When a journal makes a call upon a good author, and in the pages of which he can gain neither honour nor renown, from which, as a matter of taste, he would shrink, under ordinary circumstances, from contributing to, that journal ought to be subjected to careful scrutiny."
Now what can this possibly be supposed to mean?--
"When a journal makes a call upon a good author, _and_ in the pages of which he can gain neither honour nor renown," (why "and"?) "from which" (namely, "honour and renown") "he would shrink" (why should he shrink from renown and honour?) "from contributing to," (and how can he contribute to honour and renown?) "that journal ought to be subjected to careful scrutiny." "From which he would shrink from contributing to," what have we here? Surely it is the grammar that needs careful scrutiny, and surely, in no circumstances, could a lofty "rate of pay" be conferred on a style of this description.
It is natural to reflect that a writer in this unconventional manner has mainly to thank himself for any want of success which he, and we, may regret; and that reflection, again, suggests the case of BROWZER, the Man who would bring an Action for Libel.
BROWZER had a small patrimony, any amount of leisure, and a good deal of ambition. He liked the society of literary gentlemen, he envied their buoyant successes, such as being "interviewed,", and sorrowed with their sorrows, such as being reviewed. He listened to their artless gossip, and fancied himself extremely knowing. In these circumstances of temptation, BROWZER fell, as many better men have done, and wrote a Novel. He drew on the recollections of his suburban youth; he revived the sorrows of his sole flirtation; he sketched his aunts with a satirical hand, and he produced a packet of manuscript weighing about 7-1/2 lbs. This manuscript he sent, first, to a literary man, whose name he had seen in the papers, with a long and fulsome letter, asking for an opinion. The parcel came back next day, accompanied by a lithographed form of excuse. BROWZER denounced the envy and arrogance of mankind, and sent his parcel to a publisher. He carefully set little traps, with pieces of adhesive paper, every here and there, to detect carelessness on the side of the reader. The parcel came back in a week, with a note of regret that the novel was not suitable. Only one of BROWZER'S pieces of adhesive paper had been removed, but the others were carefully initialled. A modest author would have concluded that his opening chapters condemned him, but BROWZER'S wrath against mankind only burned the more fiercely. He removed his traps, however, and sent _Wilton's Wooing_ the round of the Row. It always came back, "returning like the peewit," at uncertain intervals. It was really a remarkable manuscript, for it was written in black ink, blue ink, red ink, pencil, and stylograph; moreover, most of it was inscribed on the margins, the original copy having been erased, in favour of improved versions. Finally BROWZER discovered a publisher who would take _Wilton's Wooing_, on conditions that the author should pay £150 for preliminary expenses (exclusive of advertising, for which a special charge was to be made), would guarantee the sale of 300 copies, and would accept half profits on the net results of the transaction.
The work saw the light, and, externally, it certainly did look very like a novel. The reviews, which BROWZER read with frenzied excitement, also looked very like reviews of novels. They were usually about two inches in length, and generally ended by saying that "Mr. BROWZER has still much to learn." Some of them condensed BROWZER'S plot into about eight lines, in this manner:--
"He was a yearning psychologist--she was a suburban flirt. He sighed, and analysed; she listened, and yawned. Finally, she went on the stage, and he compiled this record of the stirring transaction."
But at last there came a longer criticism of _Wilton's Wooing_ in the _Erechtheum_. Somebody took BROWZER to pieces, averring that "Mr. BROWZER has neither grammar" (here followed a string of examples of BROWZER'S idioms) "nor humour," (here came instances of his wit and fancy), "nor taste" (again reinforced by specimens), "nor even knowledge of the French language, which he habitually massacres." (Here followed _à l'outrance, bête noir, soubriquet_, all our old friends.) Finally, Mr. BROWZER was informed that many fields of honourable distinction might be open to him, but that a novelist he could never be.
The wrath of BROWZER was magnificent. He went about among his friends, who told him that the critique was clearly by that brute ST. CLAIR; they knew his hand, they said; a confounded, conceited pendant, and a stuck-up puppy. The review was calculated to damage the sale of any book; it was a dastardly attack on BROWZER'S reputation as a man of wit and humour, a linguist, and a grammarian. They thought (as BROWZER wished to know) that an action would lie against the reviewer, or the review. BROWZER went to a Solicitor, who espoused his cause, but without enthusiasm. The name of the reviewer was demanded. Now ST. CLAIR was not the reviewer; the critic was a man just from College, hence his fresh indignation. Whether for the sake of diversion, or for the advertisement, the critic wished himself to bear the brunt of BROWZER'S anger, and the _Erechtheum_ handed him over to justice; his name was _Smith_. This damped BROWZER'S eagerness; no laurels were to be won from the obscure SMITH. The advocate of that culprit made out a case highly satisfactory to the learned Judge, who had been a reviewer himself upon a time. He showed that malice was out of the question; SMITH had never heard BROWZER'S name, nor BROWZER, SMITH'S (in this instance) before the book was published. He called several professors of the French tongue, to prove that BROWZER'S French was that usual in fiction, but not the language of MOLIÈRE, or of the Academy. He left no doubt on the question of grammar. As to the wit and pathos, he made much mirth out of them. He cross-examined BROWZER: had other reviews praised him? Had publishers leaped eagerly at his work? On what terms was it published? BROWZER'S answer appeared to show that _Wilton's Wooing_ was not regarded as a masterpiece by the Trade.
BROWZER'S advocate put it that BROWZER was being crushed by unfair ridicule on his first entry into a noble profession, or art, that of SCOTT and FIELDING. He spoke of mighty poets in their misery dead. He drew a picture of BROWZER'S agonies of mind. He showed that masterpieces had, ere now, been rejected by the publishers. He denounced the licence of the Press. Who was an unheard-of SMITH, who had written nothing, to come forward and shout at BROWZER from behind the hedge of the anonymous? The novelist was a creature of delicate organisation; he suffered as others did not suffer; his only aim was to lighten care, and instruct ignorance. Why was _he_ to be selected for cruel sarcasm and insult?
The learned Judge summed-up dead against BROWZER. BROWZER had published a book, had invited criticism, and then, when he only got what his work merited, he came and asked for damages.
The question of malice he left to the Jury, who must see that the Critic and Author had each been ignorant of the other's existence.
The Jury did not deliberate long. They brought in a verdict for BROWZER, damages £500, and costs.
The advertisement, the publicity, caused _Wilton's Wooing_ to be eagerly asked for. BROWZER'S book went into ten editions, and a large issue, at six shillings. Next year BROWZER'S publishers proved that he owed them £37 14s. 6d. This was disappointing, and even inexplicable, but BROWZER'S fortune was made, and now he is much lauded by all the reviewers.
The Foreman of the Jury is my grocer, and I ventured, in the confidence of private life, to question the justice of the verdict. "Well," he said, "you see it comes to _this_: where is this to stop? Mr. BROWZER, he sells novels; I sell groceries."
"Excellent of their kind!" I interrupted.
"Well, I try to give satisfaction; and so does Mr. BROWZER. If that young Mr. SMITH writes to the papers that my sugars are not original, that I plagiarise them from a sand-bunker, or that my teas are not good Chinese,--like Mr. BROWZER'S French, which is what is usual in the Trade,--why, then, he interferes with my business. I bring my action, and hope to win it; and so, as a tradesman, I feel that Mr. BROWZER was wronged." There was no reply to these arguments, but I pity the Reviewers.
* * * * *
TO MAUD.--A BIRTHDAY ROUNDEL.
An empty purse! It's true we often say This weary world of ours knows nothing worse, And yet I send you, on this festive day, An empty purse.
Do not consign to an untimely hearse The friend who treats you in this heartless way. Don't let your pretty lips invoke a curse, But let me wish you happiness, and may You guess the reason from this little verse Why at your feet to-day I humbly lay An empty purse.
* * * * *
The worst thing about Mrs. HENNIKER'S new Novel, published by HURST AND BLACKETT, is its title. There is a _London-Journal_ish, penny-plain-twopence-coloured smack about _Foiled_ which is misleading. My Baronite says he misses the re-iterated interjection which should accompany the verb. "Ha! Ha! Foiled!!" would seem to be more the thing--but it isn't. The story is a simple one, wound about an old theme. It is well constructed, and admirably told. All the characters are what are called Society people; but Mrs. HENNIKER has studied them in the drawing-room, not from the area-railings, and reproduces them on her page with vivid strokes. Some of her acquaintances will probably feel uneasy when they read about _Lord Huddersfield_; whilst others will be quite sure that (among their sisters), they recognise _Mrs. Anthony Gore_. Those not in Society of to-day will find reminiscences of _Becky Sharp_ in _Mrs. Gore_; whilst big-boned, good-natured, simple-hearted _Anthony_, pleasantly recalls _Major Dobbin_. The book is full of shrewd observation, and fine touches of character-drawing, with refreshing oases of flower-garden and moor in Yorkshire and Scotland.
* * * * *
Those who like a good "gashly" book should, my Baronite says, forthwith send for _Lord Wastwater_ (BLACKWOOD). The plot is so eerie, and its conclusion so incredulous, that the practised novel-reader, seeing whither he is being led, almost up to the last page expects the threatened blow will be averted by some more or less probable agency. But Mr. (or Miss) SYDNEY BOLTON is inexorable. _Lord Wastwater_ is dead now, and there can be no harm in saying that the House of Lords is well rid of his impending company. He would have made a sad Duke.
* * * * *
A little more than a year ago, in celebration of the seventieth birthday of HENRIETTE RONNER, there was published a volume containing reproductions in photogravure of some of the works of that charming painter. Madame RONNER knows the harmless, necessary cat as intimately as ROSA BONHEUR knows the horse or the ox. She has painted it with loving hand, in all circumstances of its strangely-varied life. No one knows, my Baronite says, how pretty and graceful a thing a cat is, till they study it with the assistance of Madame RONNER. CASSELLS afford opportunity of making this study by presentation of a new and cheaper edition of the volume, with cats in all attitudes purring round an interesting essay on themselves, and their Portraiture, contributed by Mr. H. M. SPIELMANN.
* * * * *
Wishing all of you, Constant Riters and Constant Readers, a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I am, yours ever,
THE BLITHESOME BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
* * * * *
(_By a Comfort-loving Old Curmudgeon._)
Yes, the boys home from school are all playing the fool With the house and its fittings from garret to basement. The girls, too, are back, and continual clack Goes on all day long, to home comfort's effacement. The pudding's as sticky, the holly as pricky, The smell of sour oranges awful as ever; Stuffed hamper-unpackers, and pullers of crackers, At making of litter and noise just as clever. The stairs are all rustle, the hall's full of bustle, Cold draughts and the banging of doors are incessant. They're nailing up greenery, putting up "scenery," Ready for plays; 'tis a process unpleasant! A strong smell of size, dabs of paint in one's eyes, And "rehearsals" don't add to the charm of one's drawing-room. My pet easy-chairs are all bundled down-stairs, To leave the young idiots stage-space and more jawing-room For "Private Theatricals." Wax on my hat trickles From "Christmas Candles," that spot all the passages. Heart-cheering youthfulness? Common-sense truthfulness Tell us, at Christmas, youth's crassest of crass ages. From kitchen to attic plates polychromatic, From some "Christmas Number," make lumber. Good Heavens! Ye young Yule-tide stuffers, _we_ know, we old buffers, The _true_ "Christmas Numbers" are--Sixes and Sevens!
* * * * *
[Illustration: Old Year.--"Over!"]
[Illustration: New Year.--"Don't quite see my Way!"]
* * * * *
The Friendlies in "Mars."--We are beginning to know more and more about the planet _Mars_ every day. There are newspapers in _Mars_. Their journalists are going to communicate (by electric flash-light signals) news to Earth. Look out for "Pars from _Mars_." The Pa's probably intend having a good time of it when they get away for a Christmas holiday.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "DE MORTUIS."
_Chatty Passenger._ "DEAD IS HE? POOR CHAP! HE USED TO DRIVE A CITY ATLAS, AND MANY'S THE TIME HE'S DRIVEN ME! HE WAS A GOOD FELLOW, BUT NOT MUCH OF A _WHIP_, EH?"
_Driver._ "AH, WELL! WHAT D'Y'EXPECT? WHY, HE WAS A _GEN'L'MAN'S_ COACHMAN AFORE HE TOOK TO THE ROAD!"]
* * * * *
THE YOUNG GUARD.
"_Old Sentry._ For this relief, much thanks; 'tis bitter cold, And I am sick at heart."--_Hamlet._
First Sentry-go! Night, stars and snow! The air bites shrewdly, nipping, eager, As in old Denmark long ago. A long, long watch through storm and leaguer That dim, departing Sentinel Has held. He hails the Young Guard's entry-- "Who goes there?" "Friend!" "Pass, friend!" "All's well!" Tired age retreats--fresh youth's on sentry.
All's Well? Why that's a formal hail From Guard to Guard. "Not a mouse stirring," _Francisco_ cried, chill, sleepy, pale. No bat through night-wastes wheeling, whirring; No trumpet's shrill, no rocket's roar. And here all seems as calm and quiet As on the heights of Elsinore,-- Save for far sounds of wassail riot.
Some "wake to-night and take their rouse" In England as in Denmark, doubtless, But here calm broods on midnight's brows; The flag clings to the flag-staff, floutless; And if ghosts walk--well, youngling Year, With hints of spectres why alarm you? Take your first watch, boy, void of fear, With hope, that inward fire, to warm you!
The Old Guards know that youthful glow Is not the only thing that's needed For a long spell of Sentry-go; But when were veteran croakings heeded? And if they were, would carking care, Not wrinkle boy-brow prematurely? All's well--to-night. May your watch fare Serenely, steadfastly, securely.
Angels and ministers of grace Defend you from all spooks alarming! There's something in your younker face That even ghosts should find disarming. They come in questionable shapes, Those phantoms of the Social Crisis. Are their cries menaces--or japes? These be _our_ Mysteries of Isis!
The Citadel you have to ward Is old, and forces new are mustering. Vigilant valour will afford More help, my boy, than fear or flustering. Young HARRY with his beaver up Should be your model, my young "nipper!" _Punch_, lifting high a brimming cup, Tips the Young Guard a friendly flipper!
* * * * *
DISTINGUISHED INVALID.--The latest bulletin states that "Mr. C. A. PEARSON still continues weekly. Whether circulation is much impaired will be ascertained within a short time." Dr. STEPHENSON, his Medical Adviser, thinks the system must have sustained a severe shock, but hopes that entire rest, coupled with a liberal diet, may eventually be successful in combating the malady.
* * * * *
TO SOME EXPECTANT BARDS.
God rest you, merry gentlemen! You twittering, chirping poetasters. What though you ply for praise the pen, 'Tis a mad world, you know, my masters.
And therefore in our land of fools, Where genius starves in many a gutter, And all the lore of all the schools Scarce finds a man in bread-and-butter;
Where rhymes abound, though small and few The prizes are that any bard won, Your lot, O facile rhyming crew Of would-be laureates, is a hard one.
Go on and versify. God wot, With bards and rhymes I would not quarrel. You have my sympathies, but not (And may it so remain) the laurel.
* * * * *
EXTRAORDINARY FACT IN NATURAL HISTORY.--A Gentleman, whose name is well known in scientific circles, vouches for the following fact. He was, he says, passing a poulterer's shop, when he actually saw _a hare buy a rabbit!!_ He subsequently added, that much depended on the way of spelling "buy."
* * * * *
Mrs. R., whose nephew broke his leg at football the other day, told a friend that it was a confounded fraction, but she hoped the bones would ignite in the end.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE YOUNG GUARD.]
* * * * *
_Picturing the Various Modes of Melodramatic Murder._ (_By Our "Off-his"-Head Poet._)
No. III.--THE REVOLVER MURDER.
From Bow comes the fur that's on his coat, From Germany comes his watch; His trousers the "London make" denote, His accent is Franco-Scotch; His liquor is Special Scotch; He "guesses" much, and he says "You bet"; His manner is slow and sly; His smoke is a Turkish cigarette, For he is a Russian Spy-- A blood-seeking Russian Spy!
Oh! how will the woes of Virtue end? 'Tis late in the Five-Act play; And Fortune still is dark Vice's friend, And villany holds its sway, Its truly wonderful sway! 'Twould scarce be the thing for Vice to crow, And Virtue to sink and die; The end must arrive _some_ time, we know-- So bring on your Russian Spy,-- Come, out with your Russian Spy!
It cannot be long! The time is here For Virtue to pardon Vice, Providing he does not live too near, Or call more than once or twice-- Look in more than once or twice.
But wrongs are not brooked by Russian gents-- They're awfully angry fry! The hero may pardon past events, But not so the Russian Spy,-- 'Tis death from the Russian Spy!
So as humbled Vice up stage retires, Forgiven by him, he'd slay (A noble revenge the House admires, By utterly giving way-- By sniffingly giving way)-- The Spy, with revolver, comes down C., And aims at the evening sky, And down tumbles Vice, as dead as three, From lead from the Russian Spy!-- Oh! accurate Russian Spy!
* * * * *
SOMETHING LIKE A COUNTY-COUNCILLOR.
(_Being Evidence taken in the Palace of Truth._)
_Question._ And so you object to Theatres and Music-Halls?
_Answer._ Certainly; and know as much about one as the other.
_Q._ Do you approve of SHAKSPEARE?
_A._ Certainly not; nor of any other playwright.
_Q._ Have you ever read a dramatic composition?
_A._ Never; it is against my principles to peruse such (so-called) literature.
_Q._ Then why do you object to the Author's work?
_A._ Because I know if I were SHAKSPEARE or any of his colleagues, my writings would be entirely unfit for representation.
_Q._ Have you ever entered a Theatre?
_A._ Certainly not; and never shall.
_Q._ Have you visited a Music-Hall?
_A._ Emphatically no, and don't want to.
_Q._ Then why do you complain of them?
_A._ Because my imagination pictures them as indescribably horrible.
_Q._ How comes it that knowing so little, you have been sent to adjudicate upon so much?
_A._ Because I was elected by the know-nothings of the district I have the honour to represent.
_Q._ And what became of the rest of the constituency?
_A._ You mean the majority--oh, they didn't take the trouble to register their votes.
_Q._ Then you are the mouthpiece of ignorance and incompetence?
_A._ Certainly--but that is not a pretty way of putting it!
* * * * *
On the Speculative Builder.
He's the readiest customer living, While you're lending, or spending, or giving; But when you'd make profit, or get back your own, He's the awkwardest customer ever you've known.
[Illustration: "Hodman Hout!"]
SONG AT CHRISTMAS.--"_Then Yule Remember Me!_"
* * * * *
_Companion Volume to other Works of the same kind._
The Duke of WELLINGTON never could persuade GEORGE THE FOURTH that he was not present at Waterloo. One day his MAJESTY, talking over the table, said to his Grace, "I perfectly well remember your crying to the Grenadiers, 'Up, Guards, and at them!'" "Yes, Sire," replied the Duke, "so I have been told before." The King smiled at the jest, but never forgave the carefully-concealed sarcasm.
* * * * *
REFUGE FOR EGOTISTS.--"The Eye Hospital." The Specialist who attends should be Member for Eye.
* * * * *
ODE TO SAPONACEA.
Who claims my strongest missing noun, When sheets as soft and white as down, Return in colour yellowy-brown? My Laundress!
Who by her science can convert My best and most expensive shirt Into a miracle of dirt? My Laundress!
Who, when my collars come back frayed, Receives my protests undismayed, And merely wishes to be paid? My Laundress!
Who spite of warnings that one gives, Turns cambric kerchiefs into sieves, Or ragged trellis-work--and lives! My Laundress!
Who at the wash-tub, truth to tell, Is partly fraud and partly sell, Yet does her "mangling" very well? My Laundress!
* * * * *
THE POET'S LOVE.
My Lady's name I cannot state, At different times I greet her As CHLOE, AMARYLLIS, KATE, According to the metre; I've called her MABEL many a time,-- A name which leads itself to rhyme.
My Lady's hair is sometimes black To match her sable dresses, At others falls about her back In glorious auburn tresses, Yet do not take me to imply She's given to the use of dye.
I like her when she's sweet and small, The daintiest of flowers, I love her when, divinely tall, Above the rest she towers; And yet, as second thoughts suggest, Perhaps a golden mean were best.
Sometimes, a simple rustic maid, She strays through meadows green, Sometimes her beauty is displayed In glittering ball-room scene; More recently I've thought upon Creating her a lady-Don.
This peerless girl of whom I speak I ever worship blindly And sing her praises once a week, If editors are kindly; Alas, this paragon, I own, Exists within my verse alone!
* * * * *
A CHILLING WINTER "DRAFT."--That of The Home-Rule Bill.
* * * * *
[Illustration: 1892 GOING OUT IN A BLIZZARD.]
* * * * *
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
* * * * *
Adapted from the French, 274
Ad Puellam, 73
Advancing Years, 150
Advertising In Excelsis, 94
Advice to the G. O. M., 45
Afternoon Sail (An), 64
Aids to Larceny, 63
All at Sea, 77
All Round the Fair, 232, 244, 256, 268
Alone in London! 54
American Ganymede (The), 230
Anecdotage, 168, 181, 186
Another Meaning, 231
Antiquity of Golf, 73
Apologia Arrygatensis, 201
'Arry at 'Arrygate, 133, 169
'Arry in Venice, 88
"Art Competitions," 289
At a Hypnotic Séance, 157
At a Rink, 258
At a Vegetarian Restaurant, 280
At it Again! 196
At Last! 162
At the Patten-makers' Banquet, 155
At the Wild West, 4
Austro-German Officers' Vade Mecum, 171
Autumn Afternoon at Nazareth House (An), 213
BALFOUR and Salisbury, 86
Battle of the Bards (The), 182, 201
"Bear with us!" 29
Be-Littler-ing Mr. Gladstone's Majority, 39
"Best Evidence "--how not to get it (The), 257
Between the Acts, 185
Bewildered Tourist and the Rival Sirens (The), 50
Birds of a Feather, 49
"Blower" burst up (The), 122
Bogey or Benefactor? 258
Boom-de-ay Poet (The), 226
Bravo, Bobby! 162
Brummagem Birdcatcher (The), 218
Builder and the Architect (The), 96
By-and-by Laws for Trafalgar Square, 159
Cabbin' it Council, 243
Candidate's Complete Letter-Writer, 3
Canvassers and Canvassed, 28
Caron and Charon, 196
Caudal Lecture (A), 72
Charity begins Abroad, 267
Château d'If (The), 142
Choosing Christmas Toys, 299
Choosing his Words, 99
"Christmas is Coming!" 238, 294
Christmas Numbers, 305
Church and Booth, 16
City Paradox (A), 158
Classical Question, 249
"Closed for Alterations and Repairs," 6
Commerce à l'Americaine, 36
Compendiously Grammatical Tree (A), 105
Compliment of Coin (The), 262
Compliments of the Season (The), 301
Conversational Hints for Young Shooters, 159, 180, 190, 204, 205, 220, 240, 245, 261, 265
Costs as they are and will be, 226
County-Councillor's Diary (The), 195
Court Jesters (The), 209
"Court On!" 53
"Crossing the Bar!" 174
Cry of the Children (The), 27
Cui Bono? 73
Cycle-riding Dustman (The), 58
"DAVY Jones's Locker," 270
"Dearest Chuck!" 12
De Coronâ, 165
Degree Better (A), 281
Diary of an Explorer à la Russe (The), 61
Diary of a Statesman, 286
Diary of the Dead Season (A), 109
Doe versus Roe(dent), 180
Druriolanus in (Music) Aulis, 49
Druriolanus's Next, 102
Duffer in Politics (The), 40
Dust and Hashes, 27
ECCLESIASTICAL Intelligence, 180
Election Agonies, 75
Election Notes, 9
End of Henley (The), 21
En-nobbling Spectacle (An), 156
Essence of Parliament, 71, 82, 94
Evening from Home (An), 264
Examination Paper for a Press Candidate, 155
FACT, or Funk? 273
Faults o' Both Sides, 246
Feeling their Way, 100
Fight for the Standard (The), 255
Fighting "Foudroyant" (The), 135
Fine, or Refine? 77
Flowery, but not Mealy-Mouthed, 138
Forte Scutum Salus Ducum, 63
Frog he would a-Rowing go (A), 170
From Day to Day, 25
From Newcastle, 37
From Pencil to Pen, 288
From the Vale of Llangolflyn, 126
GAME of the Little Horses, 217
Geographical Theory (A), 42
German and Horse-trying Ride (The), 189
German Waters (The), 99
Good Old (Sunday) Times Revived (The), 207
Good Stayer (A), 30
Grand Old Diary for 1893 (A), 303
"Gratuitous Opinion" (The), 130
"Great Scott!" 86
Great Unknown (The), 189
"Green the Guide," 172
Guy Fox Populi, 208
"HABITUAL Drunkards Committee," 158
Hat to the Parasol (The), 132
Hearing Himself, 121
Health and Hoppiness, 145
"Here we are again!" 209
Hint to Editors (A), 129
"Honi soit qui mal y pense!" 194
How Insultan'! 75
How it might have been Settled, 81
Impressions of "Il Trovatore," 193
In a Ghost-Show, 184
"In a Winter (Covent) Garden," 185
In Banco, 137
Inevitable (The), 302
In Excelsis, 171
Infra Dig., 81
Inns and Outs, 89, 105, 122, 154
"In Nubibus," 124
In Office with the Labour Vote, 87
In the County Council, 210
In the Monkey-House, 153
"In this Style, Two-and-Six," 165
JERRY-BUILDING Jabberwock (The), 166
Jim's Jottings, 262
Judge's Lament (A), 214
Justice for 'Frisco, 36
Just like Justice, 60
"KEEPING Up the Christopher," 136
Kiss (The), 288
Knill Nisi Bonum, 160
Lady Gay's Detection, 228
Lady Gay's Distraction, 237
Lady Gay's Ghost, 243
Lady Gay's Selection, 255
Lady Gay's Selections, 10, 16, 29, 41, 57, 61, 84, 118, 142, 146, 165, 178, 192, 197
Land of the (rather too) Free (The), 105
Last Discovery (The), 252
Last Train (The), 3
Last Word (The), 292
Lay of a Successful Angler (The), 181
Lays of Modern Home, 36, 49, 77, 147, 293
Lay of the Last Knight (The), 136
Leary King at the Lyceum (The), 233
"Le Grand Français," 246
Left to the Ladies, 238
"L'Homme Propose----" 51
Les Enfants Terribles! 202
Letters to Abstractions, 120, 124, 137, 168, 241
Local Colour, 250
Lost Joke (The), 90
MAN who Would (The), 225, 229, 253, 285, 304
Margate by Moonlight, 76
Members we shall Miss, 106
Mem. from Whitbreadfordshire, 158
Menagerie Race (The), 112
Minor Miseries, 45, 58
Miscarriage of Justice, 136
"Missing Word" (The), 282, 293
Mixed Notions, 277, 297
Modern Mercury (The), 167
More Contributions to the Alcoholic Question, 17
More Lights! 141
More Reasons for Stopping in Town, 111
Mr. Punch's Election Address, 9
Musical Notes, 97
My First Brief, 202
My Puggy, 1
My Season Ticket, 192
NEED I say More? 89
New Broom and the Black Peerage (The), 209
New Regulations for the English Police, 186
Next African Mission (The), 45
Next Election Pic-nic (The), 274
Next Vivâ Voce (The), 82
Nightly Chevalier (A), 117
"No Fees," 63
"Notes and Paper," 225
Not Going Away for the Holidays, 97
Not Improbable, 141
"OH no, we never Mention it," 145
Oh, Saunderson, my Colonel! 6
Old and New Peer (An), 106
On a Guernsey Excursion Car, 148
On an Irish Landlord, 270
On the Boxing Kangaroo, 245
On the Fly-Leaf of an Old Book, 16
On the Sands, 52
On the Threshold of Themis, 22
Opera-goer's Diary, 228, 258
Opera in the Future (The), 93
Operatic Notes, 12, 17, 33, 39, 233
Other Paper (The), 214
Other Side of the Canvass (The), 46
Otherwise Engaged, 10
Our Booking-Office, 34, 48, 58, 77, 106, 178, 214, 219, 234, 249, 257, 269, 281, 300, 305
Our "Missing Word" Competition, 277
Out of It! 18
Ovidius Remark, 84
PAN the Poster, 138
"Pariah" (The), 81
"Perfidious Albion" again, 37
Phantasmagore-ia, 125, 228, 309
Pick of the Baskets (The), 153
Plea of the Postman (The), 302
Playful Heifervescence at Hawarden, 117
Plebiscite for Parnassus (A), 229
Poet's Love (The), 309
Popular Songs Resung, 101
Polite Learning, 202
Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 30
Political Training, 173
Poor Road to Learning (A), 160
Poor Violinist (The), 118
Porter's Slam (The), 294
Potato and the Heptarchy (The), 132
Practical Theosophy, 267
Premier and Physician, 221
Presented at Court, 198
Pretence versus Defence, 45
Pride of the Empire (The), 160
Probable Deduction, 171
Proofs before Letters, 231
Prospect of the Twelfth (A), 42
Puff of Smoke (A), 237
"Patting on the Hug!" 126
QUEEN and the Songstress (The), 277
Queen of Man-o'er-Board (The), 144
Queer Queries, 276, 293
Question of Police (A), 207
Quite Moving, 229
RACINE, with the Chill Off, 24
Ramsgate Sands (The), 102
Rather Appropriate, 73
Rather Startling, 282
Rather too Premature, 294
Reading the Stars à la Mode, 78
Real and Ideal, 250
Reflection in the Mist, 269
Reports of Crackers, 281
"Restoration" Period (The), 173
Result of being Hospitable (A), 37
Rhodes Colossus (The), 267
"Rift within the Lute" (The), 108
Road to Ruin (The), 210
Robert Lowe, Viscount Sherbrooke, 57
Robert on Lord Mare's Day, 231
Robert on Things in Gineral, 72
Robert's Companions, 196
Robert's Visit to Ireland, 216
Roe, Bloater's Roe! 25
Rollicking Show (A), 51
Roundabout Ramble (A), 123
Royal Road to Comfort (The), 257
"SAFE Bind, Safe Find!" 234
Sea-side Ills, 132, 141
Secundum Harty, 216
Shakspearian Conundrum, 231
Short and Sweet, 246
Shortest Day (The), 291
Sigh no more, Lottie, 155
Signs of the Season, 241
Simple as A "B" "C," 1
Simple Stories, 149
"Sins of Society" (The), 269
Sir Carlos Euan Smithez; or, The Insulting Sultan and the High-toned Christian Knight, 38
Sir Gerald Portal, 273
Skeleton at the Feast (The), 290
Skirts and Figures, 51
Slight Muddle (A), 10
"Small by Degrees, and beautifully less," 286
Something like a County Councillor, 309
Something to Live for, 265
Song of the Bar (The), 93
Songs of Society, 109
Songs Out of Season, 98, 117, 204
Sonnet on Chillon, 155
"Speech of Monkeys" (The), 111
Sporting Notes, 305
Stepney that Costs (The), 216
Studies in the New Poetry, 13, 33, 114
Such a "Light Opera!" 173
Suggestions for New Musical Publications, 282
Sword and Pen, 146, 181
TAKE Care of the Pence, 276
Taking the Oat-cake, 101
Tee, Tee, only Tee! 105
That Dutchman Ooms! 15
"There and Back," 288
"There he Blows!" 26
This Picture and That, 97
Through Ever-Green Glasses, 2
Thoughts not Worth a Penny, 177
"Three Choirs Festival," 132
Tip to Tax-Collectors, 90
To a Model Young Lady, 234
To a Pheasant, 130
To Astræa, 197
To a Summer Flower, 25
To Dr. Louis Robinson, 81
To Football, 155
To Mankind in General, 213
To Maud, 160, 305
To Melenda, 149
To Miss Ada Jenoure, 72
To my Luggage-Labels, 125
To my Partner, 288
To my Rival, 302
To my Sweetheart, 177
To Our Guernsey Correspondents, 190
"To Pay or not to Pay, that is the Bisleyness," 21
To Some Authors, 214
To Some Expectant Bards, 306
To the First Bathing-Machine, 18
To "The Lazy Minstrel," 240
To the Roller-Skating Fiend, 93
Traveller (The), 40
Trio (A), 63
Two-penn'orth of Theosophy, 85
UGLY Face (The), 125
Un-Brocken Vows, 111
Unopposed Election, 5
Up Aloft, 121
"Used Up," 124
Useful Experience (A), 8
Very Cruel, 222
Very Entertaining, 144
Very Latest (The), 120
Vive le Rain du Ballet à l'Alhambra, 145
Votes and the Man! 5
WAIL of a Pessimist Poet (The), 53
"Wandering Minstrel" (The), 279
Wanted in the Law Courts, 34
War on a Large Scale, 250
Was, Is, and Will be, 197
Where to Place Him, 237
Why I don't write Plays, 109
Why the French Won the Boat-Race, 180
Why Young Men don't Marry, 129
William Hardwick Bradbury, 181
William the Wheelman, 42
"With Honours of War," 69
Wot Cher! 54
Wot Cher, Labby? 86
Written a Hundred Years hence, 161, 192
YES or No? 189
Young Guard (The), 306
Yule-tide--Old and New, 289
"Au Revoir!" 91
Bogey or Benefactor? 259
"Christmas is Coming!" 295
"Closed for Alterations and Repairs," 7
"Crossing the Bar!" 175
"Davy Jones's Locker," 271
"Knocked 'em in the Westmin-is-ter Road," 55
"Le Grand Français," 247
"Little Vulgar Boy" (The), 103
"Missing Word" (The), 283
Old Spirit (The), 163
Out of it! 19
Pan the Poster, 139
Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 31
"Putting on the Hug!" 127
Road to Ruin (The), 211
"Safe bind, safe find!" 235
Tuning the Harp, 151
White Elephant (The), 187
William the Wheelman, 43
"Will they Work?" 79
"With the Honours of War," 66, 67
Young Guard (The), 307
American Ganymede (The), 230
Arriving too late for the First Act, 71
Artist and Show-Boards, 258
Artists at Millbank, 287
Artists' Technicalities during Dinner, 126
At the South Sea-side, 131
Bennett, M.P. for Lincoln, 45
Bewildered Tourist (The), 50
Bismarck the Whale, 26
Buckjumper in a Hansom (A), 207
Buffalo William's N.S.E. and W. Show, 35
Cabbin' it Council in November, 242
Cabinet Meet (The), 206
Cabman on Ladies' Dress (A), 237
Candidate on the Hustings, 24
Captain and Railway Lad, 245
Chamberlain as a Birdcatcher, 218
Changing Old Gent into an Elephant, 167
Coach and his Pupils (A), 202
Columbus viewing Steamship, 74
Coriolanus Bismarck, 14
Costermongers' Trousers (The), 277
Country Butcher and the Cutlets, 97
Countrywoman's Husband a Primrose Dame, 90
Coursing Nowadays, 275
Deceased 'Bus Driver (A), 306
Dining en Ville, 69
Doctor and Two Sisters (A), 210
Doctor who Dresses Irreligiously, 5
Draper's Assistant and Prim Lady, 261
Driving Lady and the Baronet, 219
Effie's Definition of a Parable, 201
Egotist's Opinion on Popularity, 178
Elderly Duchess and French Marshal, 114
Election Editor gone Mad, 41
Election Fever--a Candidate's Dream, 11
Ethel's Account of Papa's Sport, 214
Ex-M.P. and his Wife, 39
Fair Authoress and Old Age, 303
Family Doctor and Youthful Patient, 57
Farmer prefers Manual Labour, 111
Festive Season--a Scotch Night (The), 263
Fight for the Standard (The), 254
Fighting "Foudroyant" (The), 134
Finding of Pharaoh (The), 144
Flyman and Invalid Gentleman, 267
Football Fever in the Midlands, 239
Foreigners at Duchess's Concert, 78
French Frog and English Bull, 170
French Hairdresser and Englishman, 190
Frenchman and Uncle Jack's Nieces, 138
Frisky Spinster and Dancing Captain, 6
Gentleman who "takes life easily," 250
German Specialist and Gouty Patient, 75
Gillie and the "crowded Forest," 213
Gladstone's Ever-Green Glasses, 2
Gladstonian Dentist and Tory Patient, 16
Gladstonian Thunders from Snowdon, 158
Going on Board the Government Ship, 62
Golfer's Dream (The), 191
Grand Old Gardener (The), 107
Grumpy Husband and the Papers, 87
Happy Family Card-Party (A), 291
Harmonious Christmas Political Party, 298
Having the Woods Painted, 238
Helping his Host to Whiskey, 40
High Church Lady and Verger, 226
Highland Chieftains and Games, 161
High Schoolmistress and Doctor, 186
Horse-Rake in Rotten Row, 113
Hospitable Host and Languid Visitor, 34
Hostess welcoming a Late Guest, 18
Housemaid's Idea of a Gentleman, 234
How to get New-laid Eggs, 121
Hunting Lady thrown into a Brook, 249
Hunting Man's Splendid Mount, 195
Hunting Season--the Meet, 215
Iago-Chamberlain in Birmingham, 37
Impossible to Think Worse of Him! 286
Impudent Boy and Tall Clergyman, 192
In the Irish Elector's Clutches, 23
Jack and the Salt Rain-water, 145
Jerry-Building Jabberwock (The), 166
Jeweller and Clerical Customer, 58
Jones's "Bad Quarter of an Hour," 279
Keeping Poultry in Sitting-room, 15
Labouchere Fox and Grapes, 110
Ladies in the Hunting Field, 276
Lady and Sea-side Librarian, 142
Lady and Swiss Governess, 25
Lady Canvasser and Shopkeeper, 21
Lady Croesus and Fancy Ball, 99
Lady Detectives of Character, 282
Lady Friends and Old Lace, 246
Lady Sketching at the Sea-side, 102
Lady's Dream of Grouse-Driving, 81
Lady Visitor's Comfortable Room (A), 222
Landlady and Foreign Lodger, 106
Letting Off Cartridges and Partridges, 183
Lika Joko's Japanese Jape, 29
Little Boy's Strawberries and Cream, 9
Little Miss Facing-both-Ways and her Dog, 72
Little Spiffkins and the Girls, 220
Local Preacher and the Vicar, 129
Lord Mayor Knill and Livery Goose, 160
Lord Mayor's Footman's Meditations, 227
Lord Rosebery's Star and Garter, 194
Maiden Ladies and Bathing Tourists, 162
Major on Cricket in Hot Weather, 123
"Mars" through Punch's Telescope, 141
Master Tommy and the Case of Private Jams, 61
Members we shall Miss, 70, 106
Millionnaire's Son's Ingratitude, 262
Miss Fanny quarrels with Master Victor, 205
Mr. Punch's Deer-Stalking Party, 179
Mr. Punch's Fishing-Party, 143
Mr. Punch's Shooting-Party, 203
Mrs. Fidget at the Butcher's, 302
Mrs. Ramsbotham and the Vicar, 250
Mrs. Snobbington's Hotel Acquaintances, 150
New Cabinet (The), 95
New Faces in the House of Commons, 47
Newly-Married Pair and Newsboy, 135
New M.P. not a Small Man, 27
New Skirts and Sleeves, 231
Not Members of "British Association," 73
Off to the Country again, 83
Oscar Wilde in Uniform, 1
Othello, M.P. for Central Finsbury, 33
Our Grand Young Gardner, 155
Peer who never forgets Old Faces, 54
"Peri at the Academy Gates" (The), 146
Pheasants and Foxes, 301
Policeman X blowing his Whistle, 243
Portrait of a Labour Candidate, 36
Proposing on Board a Yacht, 171
Proud Mother and College Doctor, 82
Punch and Toby Yachting, 98
Punch's Pic-nic--Parliamentary Mirage 119
Reasons for not visiting the Club, 130
Rehearsing Election Speech on Railway, 3
Rehearsing for Private Theatricals, 294
Reminiscence of the Baseball Season, 251
Reprimanding the French Chef, 41
Rhodes Colossus (The), 266
Rival Bards (The), 182
Shoeblack and his Customer, 51
Short Tenor and a Tall Bass (A), 198
Sir Carlos and the Insulting Sultan, 38
Sir E. Lawson, Labby, and Mr. Punch, 86
Sketchley's Picture and Photograph, 147
Snubbing a Decadent Swell, 289
Socialist's Absent Audience (A), 165
So Expensive to be Rich, 94
Some Ups and Downs of the General Election, 59
Spectre Judge and the M.P., 290
Sporting Youth and Low-Necked Beauty, 10
Stupid Elector and Polling-Clerk, 13
Subaltern's Idea of the Use of Cavalry, 274
Sunday Morning at the Sea-side, 159
Sweep and Stonemason, 189
Swell cautious before a Lady Diarist, 63
Swell's Remarks about Coffee, 174
Swell who should have been Drowned, 30
Taken for a Quiet Drive, 153
Taking Tea with Mrs. M'Glasgie, 255
Trippers on the Yorkshire Coast, 118
Vegetarian Professor and the Fishes, 297
Venus de Medici Collar (A), 270
Voyager who is not First-Class, 136
"Wandering Minstrel" (The), 278
Year going out in a Blizzard, 310
Young Masher and High Chairs, 93
Young Physician on Influenza, 109
LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS.