Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 101, December 26, 1891 by Various
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
DECTEMBER 26, 1891
A QUEER CHRISTMAS PARTY.
I remember coming home and dressing to go out again. Of this so far I am sure. I remember too taking a cab; also the cab taking me. But oddly enough though I dined that evening with a very old friend, somehow I cannot for the life of me, at this moment, call to mind his name or remember where he lives.
However, the evening was so remarkable that I at once sat down next day to record all that I could remember of this strange Christmas Party. Round the table were ROBERT ELSMERE, DORIAN GRAY, Sir ALAN QUATERMAIN, the MASTER of BALLANTREE, and other distinguished persons, including Princess NAPRAXINE,--a charming woman, who looked remarkably well in her white velvet with a knot of old lace at her throat and a tea-rose in her hair. Mrs. HAWKSBEE, too, looked smart in black satin, but in my opinion she was cut out by little DAISY MILLER, a sprightly young lady from America. My host (I wish I could remember his name) carried his love of celebrities so far, that even his servants were persons of considerable notoriety. His head butler, a man named MULVANEY, was an old soldier, who, with the two footmen (formerly his companions-in-arms) had been known in India by the name of "Soldiers Three."
"It was so good of you to come, although your husband had Russian influenza," remarked our host to ANNA KARENINA, who was seated on his left.
"My dear friend," she replied, "I was only too delighted; for really my husband cracks his finger-joints so much more lately, and it makes me so nervous, that I often think, if it were not that Mr. WRONGSKY sometimes calls on my day at home, I am sure I should be bored to death!"
"Ah! I know what that is!" said HEDDA GABLER, nodding sympathetically. "My husband, when he heard I wanted to come to-day, said 'Fancy that!' and I really felt I could have thrown something at him. They are so irritating," she added, with a glance at THÉRÈSE RAQUIN who was sitting very silent at the other end of the table softly caressing a fruit-knife.
"Ah!" sighed DORIAN GRAY, as he dipped his white taper fingers in a red copper bowl of rose-water. "I have had an exquisite life. I have drunk deeply of everything. I have crushed the grapes against my palate. And it has all been to me no more than the sound of music. It has not marred me. I am still the same. More so, if anything."
"I think we ought to understand one another, perhaps, Mr. GRAY," said ROBERT ELSMERE, with a quick sense of oppression. "I know your opinions of course from your books. You know what mine as an honest man must be. My conscience forbids me to discuss anything."
"My dear ELSMERE," returned DORIAN, "don't deceive yourself. Life is not governed by Will or Intention. Life has been my Art. I have set myself to music. My days have been my sonnets, and it has not hurt me. I am as good-looking as ever." And with his cool, flower-like hands, and his charming boyish smile, he lit a gold-tipped cigarette, offering one to Princess NAPRAXINE.
She refused it, but produced a cigar-case, embroidered with the arms of the NAPRAXINES, from which she took a very large cigar.
"I should like to take that fellow out on the river with me," muttered one of the boating trio to his friends.
"And drown him," said another.
"Or set MONTMORENCY at him," said the third.
These Three Men, who, on their arrival, had been rather bashful, had become, during the process of demolishing the Christmas pudding with fire-brandy sauce, to which they helped themselves plentifully, the most cheerful of all the company. They talked and laughed loudly, alluded to Mr. ELSMERE as "Old Square-toes"; and made no more disguise of the evident admiration with which Mrs. HAWKSBEE had inspired them, than they did of the violent dislike they had conceived for Mr. GRAY.
They were growing less and less able to control their actions, and I was not sorry when the time arrived for the ladies to retire, which they did rather earlier than they had intended doing, owing to a sudden display of ill-temper on the part of DIANA of the Crossways. They all withdrew, with the exception of the Princess, who, alleging that it was a Russian custom, remained with us, smoking, and drinking kümmel out of a Samovar. Immediately upon the departure of the ladies, ROBERT ELSMERE resumed his argument.
"I have not," he said, in a low tone, "rooted up the most sacred growths of life as a careless child devastates his garden."
"I have never yet heard of a DURRISDEER who was a turn-coat or a spy," remarked the MASTER of BALLANTREE, casually.
"Ah! but that is another story," objected Colonel GADSBY, stroking his long moustache.
"I can believe anything," said DORIAN GRAY, "as long as it is quite incredible."
"Oh! Then you'd believe that story old BATT, the fisherman, told us about the pike at Goring!" said one of the trio, with a contemptuous laugh.
And here we come to the unfortunate incident which broke up our party. I shall always blame the Princess for this. If she had gone to the drawing-room with the other ladies, it would never have happened. It appears that she considered herself insulted by a remark of DORIAN's, which I thought innocent enough. I think it was, that "All Art is quite useless."
Why she should have taken this so personally--whether she thought he was alluding to her Narcissus-like complexion, or her wealth of luminous hair--I cannot say. At any rate--though I would not have it even whispered to poor little JIM, who, being far from well, had been quite unable to leave his sofa,--I say, at any rate, I, for one, felt convinced that the Princess had taken quite as much kümmel as was good for her, otherwise, how could any one, except my old friend ALICE DE VONDERLAND account for her urging the Three Men, already far gone, to go still farther, and to "Protect her honour," as she termed it, "by wiping out the insult offered to the NAPRAXINES!"
The Three Men took the suggestion literally. A wild scene ensued. Shouting wildly, "We'll spoil your beauty for you!" one tore the flower out of DORIAN's coat, another threw the red copper bowl of rose-water at his head, a third, with the uncommonly vulgar exclamation, "Art be blowed! we'll show you some science!" struck the unfortunate man a violent blow on the nose with his clenched fist.
How the scene might have ended but for the sudden intervention of MULVANEY and his companions, I cannot say. In the strangest dialect, and with the most uncouth oaths, they literally "went for" the Three Boating Men. The aquatic champions were completely demolished by the Soldiers Three.
In the words of the butler, "Their shirt-fronts were crumpled 'orrid." The three youths, in a pitiable state, left the house with the Princess, and went off all together in a droschki, the driver of which wore a badge on which was inscribed, "JOSEF HATTONSKI. By Order of the CZAR." DORIAN had already escaped, bearing on his handsome countenance the impress of fists and the stains of flattened mince-pies.
For my own part ... I don't know how I managed to get away. I suppose I must have been rendered insensible by a candlestick which was thrown at me. At all events, I found myself on the floor, having tumbled out of bed ... But how I had ever got to bed I do not remember. It may be I shall never discover the truth of it all. Stay!--had I been hypnotised? If so, when, where, and by whom?
* * * * *
AN ANTI-HISS-TRIONIC BIRD.
A "PAR" in the _Daily News_ last Thursday told how the Antipodæans had presented Miss NELLIE FARREN with "a Laughing Jackass." What a time he'll have of it! Always in fits, and perhaps the merry bird will at last "die o' laughin'"! For it is a biped and not a quadruped; not that as a biped "the Laughing Jackass" is by any means a _lusus naturæ_. This bird, not probably unfamiliar with the "'Oof Bird" of sporting circles, is, it is said, "a foe to snakes." Excellent omen this for Miss FARREN. Laughter everywhere, and no hissing permitted. If hissing heard anywhere, up starts the Laughing Jackass and down he comes on the snake, and there's an end of the hissing. Theatrical Managers would do well to cultivate the Laughing Jackasses, and keep a supply always on the premises.
* * * * *
'ARRY ON ARRIUS.
_WITH SOME CONSIDERATION CONCERNING COMPULSORY CLASSICS._
DEAR CHARLIE,--O, _ain't I_ a daisy? Excuse your old pal busting forth; But my name's going hup like a rocket; it's spreading east, west, south, and north. Like that darned hinfluenza, but more so; and now, s'elp me scissors, I find I was famous _afore I was born_! Sounds a licker, but 'anged if _I_ mind.
DAN the Dosser, a reglar Old Clo' at dead langwidges, classicks, and such, Says it's _met'em-see-kosis_--a thing as to me, mate, is jest Double Dutch, Means a soul on the shift, as it were, CHARLIE, tryin' fust this form, then that, So that 'ARRY, who once was a donkey, might some o' these days be a rat!
Leastways so the Dosser explains it, of course it is all Tommy rot. Rummy thing 'ow a cram o' the Classicks do make yer a reglar crackpot. Dosser hain't no more genuine savvy, he hain't, than a 'aporth o' snuff; But he's up to the lips-like in Latin, and similar old-fashioned stuff.
Seems some old Latin cove called CAT ULLUS--a gayish old dog _I_ should say Knew a party called ARRIUS!--bless 'im!--as lived in that rum Roman day, And CAT ULLUS he hups and he scribbles a "carmen"--wich then meant a song, _Not_ a hopera, CHARLIE--about him along of some haitches gone wrong.
Like CAT ULLUS's cheek, if you arsk me! That haitch bizness gives me the 'ump. There isn't a hignerent mug, or a mealy-mouthed mutton-faced pump Who 'as learned 'ow to garsp hout a He-haw! in regular la-di-dah style, But'll look down on "'ARRY the haitchless," and wrinkle his snout in a smile.
Yah! Haitches ain't heverythink, CHARLIE, no, not by a jugfull they hain't. And yer "_H_-heah! _H_-hold my _H-h-horse_!" sort o' sniffers would screw hout big D.'s from a saint. What's the hodds, arter all? If you're fly to the true hend of Life, wich is larks, You may pop in yer haitches permiskus, in spite of the prigs' rude remarks.
The old Roman geeser, CAT ULLUS, who wrote that _de Arrio_ bosh, Wos a poet, of course, and a classick, two things as to-day will not wash; Bet yer boots Master ARRIUS 'ad 'im on toast, the old mug, every time, And that's why he took his revenge like, in verse without reason _or_ rhyme.
Young ARRIUS's huncle, he tells us, talked similar patter. No doubt! _Havunculus hejus_, I reckon, knew wot he was dashed well about. I say bully for LIBER, and chance it. 'Tain't whether you say Hill or 'Ill, It's whether you're able to _climb_ it; and that's where the prigs git their pill.
There's a party who, in the _St. James's Gazette_, dear old pal, 'tother day, Took _my_ name, not pertikler in vain, though, and called hisself "'ARRY B.A." Wrote smart, he did, CHARLIE, and slick-like, but "'ARRY B.A." isn't Me! No fear! 'ARRY's not sech an A double S as to want a "Degree."
I know wot's wuth knowin', I reckon, and wot I don't know I can learn, Without mortar-board 'ats and black bedgowns, or stuffing my brains till they turn. To be well _in_ the know is my maxum, but as for "Compulsory Greek," Would it give me, I wonder, a hextry "compulsory" two quid a week?
Wy, I knew an old 'atchet-faced party, as lodged in our 'ouse years ago, _Oozed_ Greek as a plum-tree does gum-blobs; trarnslated for BUFFINS & Co., The popular publishers, CHARLIE. I know 'twas a dooce of a grind For poor MAGSWORTH to earn fifteen quid, and at last he went hout of 'is mind.
Yus, died of a softening, they told us, through sitting up six months on end At a book of Greek plays. Poor old buffer, he hadn't five pounds nor a friend; But Degrees? He fair rolled in 'em, CHARLIE! He offered to teach me a lot, But one lesson in Greek settled me; it's the crackjorest speshus of rot!
ARRY STUFFY KNEES sounds pooty ropy; he's one of their classickal pets; Old THOOSY DIDES, too, he's another. In high Huniwarsity sets They chuck 'em in chunks at each other, like mossels of Music 'All gag, And at forty they've clean slap forgot 'em! _I_ want to know where comes the swag?
Hedgercation is all very proper, purviding it gives yer the pull Hover parties as don't know the ropes, in a market that's mostly too full; But this Classick kerriculum's kibosh, Greek plays, Latin verse and all that. All CAT ULLUS's haitches won't 'elp yer, if Nature 'as built yer a flat!
Though ARRIUS's haspirates rucked, and made Mister CAT ULLUS chi-ike, He was probably jest such a rattler as poets and prigs _never_ like, When a chap knows 'is book, piles the ochre, perhaps becomes pal to a Prince, Lor! it's wonderful 'ow a dropped haitch or two _do_ make the mealy-mouths wince.
Wot's a haitch but a garsp, arter all? Yer swell haspirate's only a breath, Yet, like eating green peas with a knife, it scumfoodles the sniffers to death, As a fack the knife's 'andiest, fur, and there's many a haitch-screwing toff Who would find patter easier biz if the motter was "haspirates is hoff!"
_The_ 'Igher Hedgercation means "savvy"; you size up the world, patter slang, Hit slick, give what for, and Compulsory Latin and Greek may go 'ang. That's "modernity," CHARLIE! Style, modesty, taste? Oh, go 'ome and eat coke! Old STUFFY KNEES wouldn't 'ave tumbled, you bet, to a Music 'All joke.
"Jest fancy a gentleman not knowing Greek!" So a josser named FROUDE Said some time ago. Oh Gewillikens! Must ha' bin dotty or screwed. A modern School Master could hopen his hoptics a mossel, you bet; Greek's corpsed, and them graduate woters will flock to its funeral yet.
"We're going to plant it to-morrer!" That comic song 'its it at once. "Attic lore" will be blowed attic-high; and the duffers who dub you a dunce 'Cos yer 'OMER, or haitches, is quisby, in Rome or in London, will know That ARRIUS--or 'ARRY--romps in while CAT ULLUS is stopping to blow.
As to ARRIUS, I wish I'd 'ave knowed 'im, no doubt we'd 'ave palled up to-rights, And 'ave chivied CAT ULLUS together, like one o' them broken-nosed frights Saps call elassick busts; stone Aunt Sallies fit only for cockshies, dear boy, Wich to chip out my name on their cheeks is a barney I always enjoy.
Your Cockney eternal? No doubt! And a jolly good job, _I_ should say; It's much more than yer conkey old Classicks, for they 'ave about 'ad _their_ day. You may stuff college ganders with all the compulsory cram as they'll carry, And _then_ it's yer fly bird as scores off 'em, whether that's ARRIUS or
[Footnote 1: See article, "'Arry in Rome and London," in last Number of _Punch_.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: DRAWING THE LINE.
_Judge_. "REMOVE THOSE BARRISTERS. THEY'RE DRAWING!"
_Chorus of Juniors_. "MAY IT PLEASE YOUR LUDSHIP, WE'RE ONLY DRAWING--PLEADINGS."
("Mr. Justice DENMAN said that he saw a thing going on in Court that he could not sanction. He saw Gentlemen of the Bar making pictures of the witness. Let it be understood that he would turn out any Gentleman of the Bar who did so in future."--_Daily Paper, Thursday, December 17._)]
* * * * *
A DIPLOMATIC ON DIT.
Where LYTTON lately ruled supreme, A Marquis will direct affairs. Congratulations, then, to him And to ourselves in equal shares. But stranger paradox than this Most surely there has never been,-- We send a most distinguished man, Yet only put a _Duffer in_!
* * * * *
THE BISHOP AND THE SEA-SERPENT.
["The Bishop of Adelaide, in writing to a colonial friend, states that while riding along the sea-beach he came across a dead sea-serpent, about 60 feet in length.... The Bishop describes his 'find' as the most peculiar animal he has ever seen."--_Daily Paper_.]
The Bishop saw the Serpent A lying very near-- "Now, in the name of truth," says he, "We'll have no lying here." It was the Great Sea-Serpent, Stretched out upon the shore-- It measured--well, no matter what, It was all that, and more.
"He's dead! the Great Sea-Serpent!" The Bishop cried, with glee, "And now there is no Serpent Within my present See." 'Tis scotched, not killed; for, sure as fate, We'll fifty bet to five, That, when the Season's dead, The Great Sea-Serpent will revive.
* * * * *
HIS GREATEST PLEASURE.
["My greatest pleasure will be to think of you, Mr. ROGERS."--_Grossly unfair extract from the Newspaper Report of Mr. Goschen's Speech on Girls' Education._]
In gilded halls some take their ease, In song and dance they find delight; And there are those whom banquets please, And masques and revelry by night. Such gauds are wearisome to me; And wilder lures of dice or drink Attract me not; my maddest glee Is to sit still and think.
I think and think; the world grows less, And Budgets seem but worthless toys; For I am lost in happiness, In my ecstatic joy of joys. Ah, Mr. ROGERS, blessed name, Let me think on till all is blue, For pow'r is naught, nor wealth, nor fame, Compared with thoughts of you.
* * * * *
THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
SCENE--_The interior of a covered gondola, which is conveying CULCHARD and PODBURY from the Railway Station to the Hotel Dandolo, Venice. The gondola is gliding with a gentle sidelong heave under shadowy bridges of stone and cast-iron, round sharp corners, and past mysterious blank walls, and old scroll-work gateways, which look ghostly in the moonlight_.
_Culch._ (_looking out of the felze window, and quoting conscientiously_).
"I saw from out the wave her structures rise, As from the stroke of the enchanter's wand.";
_Podb._ For rest, see guide-books, _passim_, eh? Hanged if _I_ can see; any structures with this thing on, though! Let's have it off, eh? (_He crawls out and addresses Gondolier across the top._) _Hi! Otez-moi ceci, entendez-vous?_ (_Drums on roof of felze with fists; the Gondolier replies in a torrent of Italian._) Now a London cabby would see what I wanted at once. This chap's a fool!
[Illustration: "Hi! Otez-moi ceci!"]
_Culch._ He probably imagines you are merely expressing your satisfaction with Venice. And I don't see how you expect him to remove the entire cabin here! (_PODBURY crawls in again, knocking his head._) I think we did well to let the--the others travel on first. More _dignified_, you know!
_Podb._ Um--don't see any particular dignity in missing the train, myself!
_Culch._ They won't know it was not intentional. And I think, PODBURY, we should go on--er--asserting ourselves a little while by holding rather aloof. It will show them that we don't mean to put up with--
_Podb._ Don't see that either. Not going to let that beast, VAN BOODELER have it _all_ his own way!
_Culch._ Surely you know he decided suddenly to stay at Vicenza? He said so at breakfast. But I will _not_ have your friend BOB perpetually--
_Podb._ At breakfast? Oh, I came down late. Vicenza, eh? Then _he_'s out of it! Hooray! But as for BOB, _he_'s all right too. Oh, I forgot you cut _déjeuner_. HYPATIA had another squabble with Miss TROTTER, and poor old BOB got dragged into it as usual, and now they ain't on speaking terms.
_Culch._ (_overjoyed_). You don't say so! Then all _I_ can say, PODBURY, is that if we two can't manage, in a place like this, to recover all the ground we have lost--
_Podb._ More water than ground in a place like this, eh? But _I_ know what you mean--we _must_ be duffers if we don't leave Venice engaged men--which we're not as yet, worse luck!
_Culch._ No--but we _shall_ be, if we only insist upon being treated seriously.
_Podb._ She treats me a devilish deal _too_ seriously, my boy. But there, never mind--things will go better now!
SCENE--_A double-bedded room in the Grand Hotel, Dandolo, which PODBURY and CULCHARD have to share for the night._
_Podb._ (_from his bed, suspiciously, to CULCHARD, who is setting fire to a small pastille in a soap-dish_). I say, old chappie, bar _fireworks_, you know! What the deuce _are_ you up to over there?
_Culch._ Lighting a "fidibus." Splendid thing to drive out mosquitoes. (_The pastille fizzes, and begins to emit a dense white smoke, and a suffocating odour._)
_Podb._ (_bounding_). Mosquitoes! It would drive a _dragon_ out. Phew--ah! (_CULCHARD closes the window._) You _don't_ mean to say you're going to shut me up in this infernal reek on a stifling night like this?
_Culch._ If I didn't, the mosquitoes would come in again.
_Podb._ Come in? With that pastille doing the young Vesuvius! _Do_ you think a mosquito's a born fool? (_He jumps out and opens the window._) I'm not going to be smoked like a wasps' nest, _I_ can tell you!
_Culch._ (_calmly shutting it again, as PODBURY returns to bed_). You'll be grateful to me by-and-by.
[_Slips between his mosquito-curtains in a gingerly manner, and switches off the electric light. A silence._
_Podb._ I say, you ain't asleep, are you? Think we shall see anything of them to-morrow, eh?
_Culch._ See? I can _hear_ one singing in my ear at this moment. (_Irritably._) You _would_ open the window!
_Podb._ (_sleepily_). Not mosquitoes. I meant HYPATIA, and the--haw--yaw--TROTTERS.
_Culch._ How can _I_ tell? (_Second silence._) PODBURY! What did I _tell_ you? One's just bitten me--the _beast_! (_He turns on the light, and slaps about frantically_). I say, I can hear him buzzing all over the place!
_Podb._ So can I hear _you_ buzzing. How the dickens is a fellow to get to sleep while you're playing Punch and Judy in there?
_Culch._ He's got me on the nose now! There's a lot outside. Just turn off the light, will you? I daren't put my arm out. (_To_ Mosquito.) You brute! (_To_ Podb.) PODBURY, _do_ switch off the light--like a good fellow!
_Podb._ (_dreamily_). Glass up, Gondolier ... stifling in this cab ... drive me ... nearest Doge. [_He snores._
_Culch._ Brutal selfishness! (_Turns out the light himself._) Now if I can only get off to sleep while that little beast is quiet--
_Mosquito_ (_ironically, in his ear_). Ping-a-wing-wing!
_Same Scene; the next morning._
_Culch._ (_drawing PODBURY's curtains_). Here, wake up, PODBURY--it's just eight. (_PODBURY sits up, and rubs his eyes._) I've had a _horrible_ night, my dear fellow! I'm stung to such an extent! But (_hopefully_) I suppose there's nothing to _show_ particularly, eh? [_Presenting his countenance for inspection._
_Podb._ Not much of your original features, old fellow! (_He roars with laughter._) You've got a pair of cheeks like a raised map!
_Culch._ It--it's going _down_. Nothing to what it _was_, half an hour ago!
_Podb._ Then I'm jolly glad you didn't call me earlier, that's all!
_Culch._ It does feel a little inflamed. I wonder if I could get a little--er--violet powder, or something--?
_Podb._ (_with a painful want of sympathy_). Violet powder! Buy a blue veil--a good thick one!
_Culch._ What sort of impression _do_ you suppose I should get of Venice with a blue veil on?
_Podb._ Can't say--but a pleasanter one than Venice will get of you _without_ it. You don't mean to face the fair Miss TROTTER while you're like _that_, do you?
_Culch._ (_with dignity_). Most certainly I _do_. I am much mistaken in Miss TROTTER if she will attach the slightest importance to a mere temporary--er--disfigurement. These swellings never do last long. _Do_ they now?
_Podb._ Oh, not more than a month or so, I daresay, if you can keep from touching them. (_He laughs again._) Excuse me, old chap, but I just got you in a new light. Those mosquitoes have paid you out for that pastille--by Jove, they have!
_Landing-steps entrance of the Hotel. Nine A.M._
_Culch._ (_coming out a little self-consciously, and finding Mr. TROTTER_). Ah, good morning! What are your--er--impressions of Venice, Mr. TROTTER?
_Mr. Trotter_ (_thoughtfully_). Well, I'm considerable struck with it, Sir. There's a purrfect freshness and novelty about Vernis that's amusing to a stranger like myself. We've nothing just like this city out West. No, _Sir_. And how are--(_Becomes aware of CULCHARD's appearance._) Say, _you_ don't look like your slumbers had been one unbroken ca'm, either! The mosquitoes hev been powerful active makin' alterations in you. Perseverin' and industrious insects, Sir! Me and my darter have been for a loaf round before breakfast. I dunno if you've seen _her_ yet, she's--.
_Miss T._ (_coming out from behind_). Poppa, they've fixed up our breakf--(_Sees CULCHARD, and turns away, covering her face_). Don't you turn your head in _this_ direction, Mr. CULCHARD, or I guess I'll expire right away!
_Culch._ (_obeying, wounded_). I confess I did _not_ think a few mosquito-bites would have quite such an effect upon you!
_Miss T._ You're vurry polite, I'm sure! But I possess a hand-mirror; and, if you cann't bear to look me in the face, you'd better keep away!
_Culch._ (_takes a hasty glance, and discovers, with a shock, that she is almost as much disfigured as himself_). Oh, I--I wasn't--(_With an effort of politeness._) Er--I hope _you_ haven't been inconvenienced at all?
_Miss T._ Inconvenienced! With haff-a-dozen healthy mosquitoes springing a surprise party on me all night! I should guess _so_. (_Noticing C.'s face._) But what in the land have _you_ been about? Well, if that isn't real _tact_ now! I reckoned I'd been dealt a full hand in spots; but now I've seen you, I guess there's a straight flush against me, and I can just throw up. But you don't play Poker, _do_ you? Come along in, Poppa, do. [_She goes in with Mr. T._
_Culch._ (_alone, disenchanted_). I could _not_ have believed any amount of bites could have made such a terrible difference in her. She looks positively _plain_! I do trust they're not _permanent_, or really--! [_He gazes meditatively down on the lapping water._
* * * * *
"WILLIAMS ON WHEELS."
[At Bridgend County Court, on the 16th inst., Judge WILLIAMS had to hear an action in which 50l. was claimed as compensation for damages caused by careless driving. The evidence of one important witness having still to be heard when the hour arrived for the Judge to leave by train, his Honour, with the legal advocates and the remaining witnesses, travelled together to Llantrissant, the witness giving his evidence _en route_. On reaching Llantrissant, Judge WILLIAMS gave his decision in the station-master's office, finding for the plaintiff.--_Daily Paper_.]
SCENE--_Interior of a Saloon Carriage, shortly after the innovation started by Judge WILLIAMS, has come into general favour. Judge seated on portmanteau at one end. Parties to suit glare at each other from opposite sides. Usher, Witnesses, Counsel, &c.
_Judge._ Usher, that is the third time the engine-driver has blown his whistle! Tell him that on the very next occasion I shall send him to prison for contempt of court.
_Usher._ Yes, m'lud. [_Exit Usher._
_Facetious Counsel._ The noise is so deafening, we might even call it a "part-heard case." [_Laughter._
_Judge._ Well, let's get on. (_To Witness._) You say you actually saw the prisoner mix the arsenic with the Madeira?
_Witness._ I did, m'lud.
_Judge._ Well, Gentlemen of the Jury, perhaps we had better, as a matter of form, have the prisoner before us. By the bye, where _is_ the prisoner?
_Usher_ (_returning_). I believe he's in the dog-box, m'lud. They had to put him there, he was so refractory in the guard's van.
_Judge._ That shows the advantages of this new way of going Circuit. A dog-box is just the sort of receptacle for a person accused of murder in the first class--I mean in the first degree. When do we get to Blankchester Junction?
_Foreman._ In a quarter of an hour, m'lud, by my time-tables. And I should like to say that most of the Jury wish to get out there--they feel the oscillations of this carriage so much. If your Lordship would sum up now--
_Judge_ (_with alacrity_). Quite so. Blankchester is a convenient place for _me_ to alight, I think.
[_Sums up lucidly in about five minutes, and Jury at once brings in verdict of Guilty of Manslaughter._
_Judge_ (_surprised_). Manslaughter, Gentlemen! Perhaps, after all, I was wrong in not summing up in the Booking-Office. It would have given time for more consideration. [_Awful collision occurs._
_Judge_ (_at bottom of an embankment_). Usher, Usher! I haven't pronounced sentence yet! Bring the prisoner before me!
_Usher_ (_wounded_). Beg your Lordship's pardon--prisoner's escaped!
_Judge._ Escaped? Well, I can sentence him in his absence quite as well. Oh, dear, my back _is_ bad! Those law-books came down on the top of me, I believe. The sentence of the Court is that the prisoner be imprisoned, when found, for three years.
_Facetious Counsel_ (_turning up from a heap of wreckage_). As a _First Class_ misdemeanant, of course?
_Judge_ (_catching the spirit of the joke_). First Class! No--Third Class, for Portland! [_Left on Circuit._
* * * * *
Members of the House of Commons have read with a thrill of interest Lord HENRY BRUCE's letter to his constituents, announcing his intention not to offer himself for re-election in North West Wilts. Full five years Lord HENRY has sat in the House. He has rarely joined in debate, but the manner of his occasional interposition was always notable. He slowly rose, placed one hand in his trousers' pocket, looked round the House and said nothing. Then, when the SPEAKER was about to call on someone else, Lord HENNY blurted forth a few sentences, the end generally coming first, and having apparently said about half what he meant to say, abruptly sat down. But the House, with keen instinct, always recognised the heaven-born orator, and knew his time would come. It has come with the opportunity of writing this letter, which is full of beautiful things. "I deprecated," says Lord HENRY, reviewing his distinguished Parliamentary career, "the surrendering of an ancient dependency like Heligoland, and which has since been strongly fortified, to satiate a shadowy claim of the GERMAN EMPEROR to the Island of Zanzibar." To satiate a shadowy claim is good. Space forbids quotation of more than one additional sentence from this masterpiece. "Let me conclude by saying, that I trust whoever may succeed me in North-West Wilts will wear ELIJAH's mantle with the same pleasure as I have already done." What that means no man can say.
* * * * *
[Illustration: The Editor of the "Welsh Review."]
We are glad to learn that Lord HENRY BRUCE's retirement from Parliamentary life does not imply absolute withdrawal from public affairs. Since the appearance of his letter, there has been a rush upon him by able Editors and Magazines. He has undertaken to write to the _Twentieth Century_ an Article on "Recent Ministerial Appointments." Mr. BOWEN ROWLANDS, M.P., Q.C., has also been in communication with him. "The very man for the _Welsh Review_," says the enthusiastic Editor.
* * * * *
We learn from a reliable source that LORD HENRY BRUCE has intimated to Mr. AKERS-DOUGLAS that, in the event of his being selected to Move or Second the Address at the opening of the New Session, he will appear in Elijah's mantle. It is to be hoped Lord SALISBURY, offended, as he is understood to be, at Lord HENRY's frank criticism, will not ignore this proposal. The House of Commons will be much gratified to find itself relieved from the monotony of the uniform--alternately Militia Colonel and Post-Captain--which mars the success of an interesting ceremonial.
* * * * *
The heading, "The Royal Engagement," which appears daily in two of the morning papers does, not, as appears at first sight, indicate warlike preparations in Royal circles. The allusion meant is to the Royal Betrothal.
* * * * *
NAME WANTED.--There are a considerable number of Ladies' Clubs, where matrons and spinsters can commingle. Now 'tis proposed to start a Spinsters' Club, only Spinsters eligible. What shall it be called? Spinning is associated with Spinster, but recent events at Cambridge make the use of the word somewhat objectionable. How would "The Arachne" do? Or as Omphale assumed the attire of Hercules, and tried to wield the club, why not call one of these the Omphale?
* * * * *
OLD SONG, ADAPTED TO THE OCCASION (_by one who wasn't asked to the Marquis of Salisbury's party_).--"_I dreamt that I supp'd in Marble Halls_," &c., &c.
* * * * *
[Illustration: IN CONFIDENCE.
"MUMMY DEAR, WHO'S PAPPA'S MOTHER-IN-LAW?" "MY MOTHER, DEAR,--YOUR GRANDMAMMA."
"Oh--(_Considering._)--DO YOU THINK GRANDMAMMA WOULD TAKE A PRIZE AT THE CAT SHOW?"
"ETHEL, DEAR! WHAT _DO_ YOU MEAN?" "WELL, MUMMY DEAR, I HEARD PAPPA SAY THAT, IN THE WHOLE COURSE OF HIS LIFE HE HAD NEVER COME ACROSS 'SUCH AN OLD TABBY AS HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW'!"]
* * * * *
AWAKENING FATHER CHRISTMAS
OR, THE CALL TO ALMS.
_A TOPSY-TURVEY VERSION OF THE TENNYSONIAN DAY-DREAM._
THE SLEEPING BEAUTY.
All through the year, towards his feet, He slumbering in his place alone, Waiting December days to greet The "Beauty's" snowy beard has grown; Whilst all about his bulky form Fir-hedge and holly sprout and twirl. Sleeping he snoreth, snug and warm, His breath scarce stirs his beard's crisp curl.
He sleeps: the jolly, brave Old Bird, Ruddy of phiz as warm of heart, Who, when he's annually stirred, Is always good, and game to "part." He sleeps: all round his cosy cell His long-stored gifts are waiting use; And--till awaked--he there doth dwell, A cosy form in cosy snooze.
All precious things, discovered late, To those who seek them turn up trumps. Charity works with kindly fate, The heart in her soft bosom thumps. She travels under winter skies-- She stayeth not for storm or shocks-- Celestial Grace with tender eyes, And loving lips, and golden locks.
She comes, well-knowing what she seeks; She breaks the hedge, she enters there: Love's flush illumes her maiden cheeks; She hears Yule's chimes upon the air: She holds aloft that mystic stalk, With white globes decked, to lovers dear; "Now, Father Christmas, wake and walk!" She whispers in the "Beauty's" ear.
A touch, a kiss! the charm was snapt. There came a noise of striking clocks. Twelve strokes! Aroused from slumber rapt, The "Beauty" shook his silvery locks. "What you again? My yearly call! By Jove, how soundly I have slept!" Then, with a laugh that shook the wall, Unto his feet Old Christmas leapt.
"What! Twelve! 'Tis time that I awoke, And to the waiting world appeared." He yawned, and cracked his annual joke, And ran his fingers through his beard. "How say you? Is it slop or snow?" She answered, "Come along, old chap! We've much to do and far to go, Ere you resume your annual nap."
And on the Old Sire's arm she leant, And round her waist his arm did fold; And forth into the world they went, To glad the grieved, to warm the cold. Across the town, and far away, Of kindness full, and frolic whim, To cheer all hearts went Christmas Day, That white-wing'd Presence following him.
Near Nineteen Hundred times hath she, The gentle goddess, free and fair, Awaked with kiss Old Father C. To make the wintry world their care. O'er town, o'er country far away, Where'er hearts ache, or eyes grow dim, His annual round makes Christmas Day, Sweet Charity attending him.
[Illustration: THE AWAKENING OF FATHER CHRISTMAS
OR, A CALL TO ALMS.]
MORAL.--So, British Public, take my lay, And _if_ you find no moral there, Then _Mr. Punch_ must sadly say His ministry is fruitless care. Nay! To good uses you will put The Legend _Punch_ doth thus transpose. Your pockets sure you will not shut, Your hearts to his appealings close!
For e'en the man who runs may read The lesson with this lay entwined. (If Topsey-turvey thus succeed, The noble Laureate will not mind!) And liberal applications lie In this quaint Legend, good my friend. So, put the song and picture by, And hook it--to some useful end!
* * * * *
[Illustration: Cook Personally Conducting.]
If you're anxious to eat without any repining, Read THEODORE CHILD upon "Delicate Dining." This sage gastronomic full soothly doth say, That no mortal can dine more than once in the day; Then he quotes LOUIS QUINZE, that the art of the cook Must be learnt most from practice, and not from a book; While you also will find in the readable proem, Doctor KING said a dinner resembled a poem.
We shall next see a cook can have only the dimmest Of notions of art, if he isn't a chemist. So we learn here the names and the separate uses Of muscular fibre, albumen and juices. We are shown the right methods of roasting and boiling, Of frying and stewing, decocting and broiling; While our author in words there can be no mistaking, Is dead against "roasting" in ovens--or baking.
Our asparagus then we are heedfully told, [Greek: Iostephanos] should be like Athens of old: With a violet head and a stalk very white While this CHILD thinks that tepid it yields most delight. On the artichoke too with affection he lingers, And also advises you eat with your fingers, _Petits pois à la Française_ are here, the receipt That he gives is a good one but haply too sweet.
Our author is great upon salads and sauces, To cool our hot palates, or tittivate _fauces_; Here is all you need learn about GOUFFÉ'S _Béarnaise_, And a charming receipt for the _Sauce Hollandaise_. In England we know that in sauces we're weak, And we've never attained to the _cuisine classique_; But French Seigneurs of old gave full rein to their wishes, And live on immortal in delicate dishes.
We are told how to give and receive invitations, And eke how a table may need decorations. We agree with the author who says when you dine, It is very much better to stick to one wine, Be it ruddy Bordeaux or the driest Champagne, Let the latter be cool but your ice is no gain. While on coffee and tea he is sound as a bell, With all dexterous dodges for making them well.
No man ever escaped--to a cook who did wrong, For his art ranks so high, said MENANDER's old song. And the ancients we know loved both oysters and pullets, When the [Greek: oinos kekramenos] slipped down their gullets. While here is a man to have joined them when roses, In classical fashion, were cocked o'er their noses. So we'll take leave of CHILD and his capital book, With a "Bon appetit" to the _gourmet_ and cook.
* * * * *
A CHRISTMAS CAROL.--(BY A DISAPPOINTED CHURCH-DECORATOR.)
When rustic woman stoops to folly, And finds too late that Curates flirt; It pains, ah! sharper than the holly Whose spikes her pretty fingers hurt.
Pleasant is pulpit-decoration, And altar-ornamenting's sweet, When girls get lost in contemplation Of parson-whiskers, trim and neat.
Most pleasant too the cheery chatter Of woodland parties, in the snow, When gathering--well, well, no matter! No more _I_'ll hunt for mistletoe.
No more I'll stand and hold the ladder For reverend gentlemen to mount. Ah me! Few memories make me madder, Though merrier ones I may not count.
Goose! How about those steps I'd linger! Muff! How I bound my handkerchief Last Christmas Eve, about his finger, Pierced by that cruel holly-leaf!
And now he's going to marry MINNIE, The wealthy farmer's freckled frump, A little narrow-chested ninny! Into Pound's pond I'll go and jump!
Yet no, Miss MIGGS and he might chuckle, I know a trick worth two of that; I'll up and take that fool, BOB BUCKLE, I hate him, but his farm is fat.
When rustic woman stoops to folly, And finds e'en Curates can betray, What act can aggravate the "dolly" Whose wealth has won his heart away?
The only art her grief to cover, Enable her to lift her head, And show her false white-chokered lover _She_ won't sing "_Willow_," is--to wed!
* * * * *
There is one line in our Mr. DU MAURIER's fascinating and fantastic novel, _Peter Ibbetson_, which every author should frame and hang up before his eyes in his study. 'Tis this, and 'tis to be found at page 217, Vol. ii.:--
"Write anyhow! Write for the greatest need and the greatest number."
"This is business," quoth the Baron, "and _Peter_ who passed so much of his life asleep seems, when not dreaming, to be uncommonly wide awake."
A dainty book indeed for a Christmas present is _The Vision of Sir Launfal_, by JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL, published by GAY AND BIRD--lively names these--but ought to have been GAY AND LARK. There is an interesting portrait of the Author as he was in 1842.
"My 'CO.,'" quoth the Baron, "deponeth thusly, as to Calendars generally,--not, however, including the one-eyed Kalendar of the Arabian Nights,--that MARCUS WARD, mark us well, comes out uncommonly strong, specially in the 'Boudoir' and also in the 'Shakspeare' Calendar, which latter hath for every day in the year 'a motto for every man.' Methinks this pretty well wipes off the Christmas score, which includes New Year gifts.
"Now as to books,"--continues the Baron, "here let me say that my favourite pocket-books, not specially for Christmas, but for all times and seasons, are those excellent travelling companions provided by CASSELL's _National Library_, BRADBURY AND AGNEW's _Handy Volume Scott_ and _Shakspeare_, and ROUTLEDGE's _Pocket Library_, all really portable, and printed in the clearest type. These be welcome presents to 'constant readers.'" The Baron presents his "many grateful thanks," to quote our worthy ROBSON ROOSTUM PASHA, to a kind friend, poet, scholar and judicious critic, who, from the North, sends the Baron a seasonable present of a small volume of poems, published by HOLDEN, of St. Andrew's, N.B. (Quoth Mr. WAGG, "quite a new 'un, published by a _h_old 'un"--_passons_), entitled _The Scarlet Gown_, written by Mr. R.F. MURRAY. His verses are in the Calverley vein, the rhyming and rhythm easy, the jingle pleasant, the lines witty, and the subjects fresh. The local hits will be specially appreciated by St. Andrew's men. Everyone will enjoy "The City of Golf, the Adventures of a Poet." Cantabs especially will sympathise with the humour of "The Delights of Mathematics." "So here's to the poet in the wassail bowl; a Happy New Year and a Murray Christmas to him," says
THE JOVIAL BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
* * * * *
[Illustration: MR. PUNCH DRINKS TO THE OLD YEAR!]
* * * * *
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
* * * * *
Adscriptus Glebæ, 203 Advertisement Extraordinary, 195 After Lunch, 70 After the Season, 61 "After You!" 198 Alice in Thunderland, 27 All Berry Well, 255 Ancient Milliner (The), 241 "Angels and Ministers of Grace!" 135 "Annals of a Very Quiet Family," 161 Annals of a Watering-Place, 131, 141, 192 Another Strike threatened, 145 Answers to Correspondents, 57, 72, 253, 268 Anti-Hiss-trionic Bird (An), 301 Apparently Hard Case (An), 234 Appropriate Location, 138 Armada from the Spanish (The), 159 Arming the Amazons, 270 'Arry in Rome and London, 293 'Arry on a 'Ouse-Boat, 76 'Arry on Arrius, 302 "As Good as a Better," 133 "As he'd Like it," 162 Atropos and the Anthropoids, 169 At St. James's Hall, 2 At the Close of the Summer, 168 At the Door; or, Paterfamilias and the Young Spark, 90 At the Italian Opera, 209 "Audi Alteram Partem!" 185 Auld-(er)-man Gray, 72 Aunt at Will (An), 281 Author! Author! 25 Automatic Physiognomist (The), 181 Awakening of Father Christmas (The), 306
Bacon and a Mouthful, 61 Balder the Fair, 245 Ballade of Evening Newspapers (A), 23 Bard _v._ Bard, 213 Beggar's Petition (A), 165 "Below the Belt!" 227 Between the Acts, 219 "Big Big D" encored (The), 293 Birds of a Feather, 193 Bishop and the Sea-Serpent (The), 303 Bitter Cry of the British Bookmaker (The), 155 Bitter Cry of the Outcast Choir-Boy (The), 141 Blackfriars to Sloane Square, 57 Blendimus! 215 Board on Both Sides (The), 263 Board-School Christmas (A), 287 "Book of Burlesque" (A), 16 Bouillabaisse, 174 Boulanger, 179 Boy the Father of the Man (The), 192 British Association (The), 106 Broadly Speaking, 17 Browning Society Verses, 201 Bumble brought to Book, 110 Bumbledom's Big Opening, 170 Busy Bisley (The), 35 By George! 300 "By Jingo!" 249
Canadian "Search-Light" (The), 114 Cancel, or Recall, 241 Canine Sagacity, 108 Capless Maid (The), 63 Carmen Culinarium, 309 Caught by the Classics, 215 Chantrey Bequest à la Mode de Lisle (The), 1 Charlemagne and I, 161, 185 Chili Pickle (A), 219 Christmas Carol (A), 309 Christmas Numbers, 291 Civil Service Exhibition, 257 Common Complaint (A), 21 Compulsory Greek, 117 Conquered "Worth" (The), 153 Contribution towards Nursery Rhymes, 225 Coquette of the Period (The), 117 "Correct Cards, Gents!" 205 Creditable Incident in the Next War (A), 117 Cricket Paradox (A), 133 Cutting Remarks, 231
Defeat--or Something Near it, 21 Demographic Vade Mecum (The), 95 "Dick" Power, 279 Difference (The), 63 "Dilemma" (The), 6 "Disappointment of December" (The), 180 Doctor Laurie, 165 Doggerel by a "Disher," 147 Domestic Cookery, 168 Drawing the Badger, 230 Dwarfs in and about London, 155
Echoes from the Labour Commission, 240 "Egyptian Pet" (The), 246 Election Echo (An), 258 Elevating Exhibition (An), 251 "England, Home, and Beauty!" 294 English as she is Sung, 288 English Opera as she isn't Sung, 257 "Entertainment," 120 Enthusiasm à la Russe, 50 Essay in Reviewing (An), 189 Essence of Parliament, 11, 23, 35, 47, 59, 70 Evolution of Tommy's Private School Report, 204 Exit la Claque, 84 Extremes Meet, 153
Fallen Leader (A), 191 Family Ties, 186 Father and Son, 153 Fire King's Abdication (The), 14 "First-Class" Travelling, 111 Follow the Baron! 269 For the Benefit of Zoilus, 60 Frederick the Great at Burlington House, 293 Free and Independent, 203 "French as she is Spoke," 89 French as she is "Writ," 231 Friendly Tip to the Fighting Factions, 276 From a Very Occasional Correspondent, 93 From Bright to Dull, 179 From Darkest Africa, 119 From Grandolph the Explorer, 61 From Mashonaland, 239
Garrick School (The), 167 Genuine Regret (A), 108 Georgian Era at the Alhambra (The), 255 German Emperor going Nap (The), 159 Gilbert à Beckett, 195 Glory at the Lowest Price, 261 "Good-bye, Grandmamma!" 30 Good New "Times" (The), 269 G.P. and the G.P.O. (The), 191 "Gray's Elegy" Amended, 198 "Great Scot!" 61 Great Twin Brethren (The), 177 Grouse that Jack Shot (The), 147 Guzzling Cure (The), 131
Hanwellian Prize Competition, 41 "Hanging Theology," 150 Hard Lines for Him, 233 Harrying Our Hakims, 201 "Have we forgotten Gordon?" 78 "Helps" and Whelps, 93 Henley Regatta, 21 Her Violets! 57 Hide and Seek, 171 His Greatest Pleasure, 303 Hit and Miss, 48 Holiday Fare in Cornwall, 149 Home, Sweet Home! 193 Honours Divided, 156 "Hotel me, gentle Stranger!" 159 How it's Done, 264 How to be Popular, 84 How to Spend a Holiday on Scientific Principles, 77 Hygeia Off the Scent, 126 Hyjinks and Hygiene, 89 Hypnotised Lobster (The), 289
Iberian-Hibernian, 78 Idle and the Industrious Apprentice (The), 222 If the Fashion Spreads, 228 Ignorant Bliss, 131 Illegal Fictions, 291 Ill-luminants! 57 Imperial and Operatic, 33 Imperial Impressions, 35 Imperial Stage-Manager (An), 251 "In Cellar Deep," 159 International Nursery-Tale Congress, 173 In the Name of Charles Dibdin, 61 Io Triumphe! 237
James Russell Lowell, 93 Jawful News! 169 Jeames's Summary, 42 Jolly July, 27 Journal of a Rolling Stone, 156, 168, 180 Jubilee Greeting (A), 234 Just Caught the Post! 182
Kathleen and Petruchio, 282 Keep Watch! 177 King of the Beasts (The), 141 "Knot"-ical Story of Drury Lane (A), 125 Kurds and Away! 65
Laissez Faire, 193 Larks for Londoners, 61 Last of the Canterbury Tales (The), 156 Latest from Bobby (The), 228 Latest Weather-wise Doggerel (The), 153 "Latiné Doctes," 75 Leaves from a Candidate's Diary, 4, 39, 73 Le Roi (en Garçon) en Voyage, s'amuse, 89 Lesson from the R.N.E. (A), 81 Letters to Abstractions, 17, 25, 136, 184, 216, 229, 253, 277 Liberty and Licence, 16 Light Conduct in Heavenly Bodies, 239 Lines by a Lewisham Witler, 114 Literary Intelligence, 239 Little Germania Magnate (The), 258 Little Stranger (A), 213 London's Dilemma, 194 "Long Distance Swim" (A), 66 Lord Lytton, 267 Lost Opportunity (A), 291 Lover's Complaint (A), 81 Lullaby of an Infant Speculator, 221
Manners of Our Children (The), 108 Many Happy Returns! 126 Marlowe at Canterbury, 145 "Masher's Answer" (The), 241 Mask on a Mask (A), 24 Matter of Course (A), 129 Mayor and an Old Hunter (A), 289 Medicinal Music, 11 Memory of Milton (The), 231 Mems from Monkey-land, 252 Men of the Past, 167 Meredithomania, 49 Metropolitan Minotaur (The), 38 Miss Decima-Helyett-Smithson-Jackson, 84 Miss Nomer, 12 Modern "Bed of Procrustes" (The), 138 Modern Cagliostro (The), 155 Modern Traveller (The), 78 Modern Types, 5 Money makes the Man, 177 Monti the Matador, 48 More Excitement in Paris, 149 More Messages from the Mahatma, 123 Moth-eaten, 53 Motto for the Moment, 191 Mr. Clip's Appeal, 101 Mr. Punch Explains, 2 Mr. Punch's Anti-Labour Congress, 102 Mr. Punch's Naval Novel, 160 Mr. Punch's Quotation-Book, 2 Muscovite Version of a Music-Hall Chorus, 153 Musical Suggestion (A), 147 Music of the Spheres (The), 177
Naked Truth (The), 276 Name Wanted, 305 Naval Note, 137 Neptune's "At Home;" or, Neighbours United, 90 New Crusaders (The), 2 New Election "Lay" (A), 45 New Evangel (The), 179 New Leader (A), 51 New Name, 267 New Tory Nursery Rhyme, 61 New Way out of a Wager (A), 165 Night-Mailing, 229 Note (A), 81 Note and Query (A), 147 "Nothing but the Truth," 126 "Nothing in the Papers!" 106 Nothing like Labour, 239 Nothing New, 171 "Nothing succeeds like"--Succession? 6 Not Quite Polite, 87 "Now you're Quite the Gentleman!" 266
Ode to a Barometer, 106 Off-Portsmouth Phrase-Book (The), 231 Off to Masherland, 3, 15, 29, 41, 83 Old Doggerel Re-dressed, 114 Old Joe and the New (The), 210 Old School Buoy (An), 93 Old Times Revived, 240 Omitted from Portrait Gallery at the Royal Naval Exhibition, 63 Only Fancy! 201, 209, 217, 240, 245, 264, 273, 279, 305 Only One (The), 27 On the Bridge! 54 "On the Hyp"-notist, 275 On the Marlowe Memorial, 156 Operatic Birds, 66 Operatic Notes, 37 Opportunity (An), 277 Our Booking-Office, 84, 95, 99, 144, 145, 179, 189, 213, 225, 252, 257, 265, 281, 289, 309 "Our Children's Ears," 77 Our Real Desideratum, 155 Our Own Financial Column, 217, 233, 249, 261, 275, 288 Oysterless, 205 Oysters (not) for Ever! 169
Pannick in Gildhall (A), 293 Passionate Shepherd to his Love (The), 290 Paul Pry in the Purple, 285 Penny French--Twopence British, 96 Playgoer's "Last Word" (A), 186 Politesse, 88 Popular Songs Re-Sung, 167, 204, 276, 297 Possible Explanation, 267 Pretty Simpleton (The), 225 Prince (The), 49 "Prodigy Son" (The), 216 Programme of the Cyclopædic Circus, 285 Protected Female (The), 218 "Pugs" and "Mugs," 99 Purchase Officer's Guide to the Army (The), 12
Queer Christmas Party (A), 301 Queer Queries, 4, 5, 36, 49, 87, 106, 285 Quelching Quelch, 24 Queries for Cambridge Exam. Paper, 298 Queries for Candidates (L.C.C.), 225 Quite a Libel'y Prospect! 251 Quite a Little Novelty, 89 Quite a New Spec, 231 Quite Fabulous, 265
Rather Vague, 243 Raven (The), 206 Real Burning Question (A), 197 Real Treat (A), 13 Reflection by a General Reader, 191 Remonstrance (A), 193 Resignation, 63 "Revolted Mortimer," 153 Rhyme at Rhyl, 195 Riding the Pig, 60 Robert on the Coming Sho, 219 Robert on the Hemperer's Visit to the City, 5, 16 Robert on the Lord Mare's Sho, 243 Robert Sees the Photograff taken, 65 Robert's Future, 113 Robert's Romance, 129 Romance in Numbers (A), 183 Rule of Three (The), 59 Rusticus Expectans, 279
Safe Novel (A), 297 "Save me from my Friends!" 169 Scott (anything but) Free, 30 Seaside Asides, 108 "Semper Eadem," 73 Setting their Caps at him, 62 Shakspeare and North, not Christopher, 2 Shilling in the Pound Wise (A), 45 Silence and Sleep, 133 Smoked Off! 45 Solomon Pell in all his Glory, 119 Some Circular Notes, 88, 105, 109, 121, 143, 148 Some London "Fiends," 197 Song in Season (A), 113 Songs of the Unsentimentalist, 24 Song that Broke my Heart (The), 75 Sonnet of Vain Desire (A), 165 Sphinx and the Stick (The), 273 Stolen Pictures (The), 39 Storicules, 97, 120, 132, 135, 149, 173, 228 Story Out of Season (A), 101 Straight Tip to Canadian "Cross Coves," 179 Suggestion (A), 213 Suitor Resartus, 267 Supplementary and Corrective, 37 Surrey ABC (The), 108 "Sweet little Cherub that sits up aloft" (The), 254
Talk for Travellers, 177 Tea in Ten Minutes, 171 Telling the Wasps, 141 Terrible Tale (A), 73 Theory and Practice, 273 Theosophic Tools, 203 Thinning of the Thatch (The), 300 Timely Suggestion (A), 276 Tip by a Tory, 114 Tippling Sally, 189 To Amanda, 37 To Araminta, 189 To a Too-Engaging Maiden, 132 "To Err is Human," 168 To Evangeline, 281 Told in Tags, 298 To Lord Tennyson, 75 To my Lord Addington, 213 Too-Engaging Maiden's Reply (A), 197 Too Free to be Easy, 96 To the Grand Old Cricketer, 155 To the Shelved Sex, 93 Tran-slated, 287 Travelling Companions (The), 40, 52, 85, 100, 112, 124, 134, 146, 157, 172, 196, 208, 220, 232, 244, 256, 268, 280, 292, 304 Triple Alliance (A), 18 True Tennyson (The), 165 Truly Rooral Opera (A), 289 Trying it on, 210 Tupper's Proverbial Philosophy Up to Date, 207 Turning the Tables, 150 Two Emperors, 87 Two Graces (The), 219 Twopence Plain--a Penny Coloured, 294 Two Views of the next Invasion, 51 Two Winds (The), 122 Two Words in Season, 145 "Typical Developments," 233
'Umble Correction (An), 70 Unattractive Combination, 114 Under-Lyne'd, 165 Under the Screw, 96 Unhygienic Householder, 87 Upon a Glove, 63 Urbi et Orbi, 1
Vain Vaunt (A), 159 Very Near, 246 Voces Populi, 9, 13, 28, 69 Voices of the Night, 181 Vox et Præterea Nihil! 144
Waiters' Strike (The), 145 Wanted, a Word-Slayer, 97 War in a Fog, 221 Warlike Tale from the Pacific (A), 264 Waterloo to Weybridge, 39 Welcome, little Stranger! 289 Well done, Dear! 59 "Wells, I never!" 237 What hoe! Raikes! 75 What is a "Demographer"? 75 What's in a Title? 145 "What will he Do with it?" 174 Where are our Dairymaids? 129 "Where is dat Barty now?" 171 "Whether" and the Parks (The), 12 "Who Breaks Pays," 132 Why should Merit wait? 145 "Whys"--Wise and Otherwise, 225 William Henry Smith, 183 "Williams on Wheels," 305 "Will you, won't you?" 242 Without the Compliments of the Season, 297 With the B.M.A. at Bournemouth, 64 "Won't Work!" 74 Worth Noticing, 84 Wrong of Search (The), 53
Young Grandolph's Barty, 205
"After You!" 199 Arming the Amazons, 271 "As he'd Like it," 163 Awakening of Father Christmas; or, A Call to Alms (The), 307 Canadian "Search-Light" (The), 115 "Dilemma" (The), 7 "Egyptian Pet" (The), 247 "England, Home, and Beauty!" 295 Family Ties, 187 "Good-bye, Grandmamma!" 31 "Have we forgotten Gordon?" 79 Idle and Industrious Apprentice (The), 223 Jeames's Summary, 43 Jubilee Greeting (A), 235 Kathleen and Petruchio, 283 Little Germania Magnate (The), 259 "Long Distance Swim" (A), 67 Modern "Bed of Procrustes" (The), 139 Mr. Punch's Anti-Labour Congress, 103 Neptune's "At Home;" or, Neighbours United, 91 "Nothing but the Truth," 127 On the Bridge! 55 Triple Alliance (A), 19 Trying it on! 211 "Turning the Tables," 151 "What will he Do with it?"
Advertisements in Church, 63 Alice in Thunderland, 26 'Arry on Arrius, 302 Aunt Jane on Family Weddings, 207 Balfour on the Irish Pig, 50 Barristers Sketching in Court, 303 Blue-Ribbonite for Once only, 90 Blue-Ribbonite's Glass of Champagne, 27 Boiling the Porcelain Nest-Egg, 165 "Breezy Brighton," 262 Bumble Kicks the Drainage Petition, 170 "Burying the (Railway) Hatchet," 81 Butler's Opinion of Sir Pompey's Champagne, 174 Buying a Tie for a Wedding, 183 Captain Shaw, the Fire King, 14 Cave of the Winds (The), 122 Chamberlain and the Primrose Lady, 266 Chappie and Old Deer-Stalker, 267 Christian Czar and the Heathen Chinee, 86 Clergyman and a Bereaved Mother, 138 Cockney Sportsman and the Starlings, 215 Combat between Water and Wine, 201 Comic Amateur in a Country House, 114 Contralto Singer and Music Publisher, 219 Country Hostess and French Baron, 198 County Council and the Minotaur, 38 Cricket at Lord's, 46 Cyclist Centaur of the Future (The), 160 Daily Graphic's Weather-Young-Woman (The), 133 Dentist's Patient in Operating-Chair, 195 Devoting Swiss Tour to Lawn-Tennis, 186 Disappointed and Successful Artists, 39 Doctor and Nurse, 258 Drawing-Room Smelling of Tobacco-Smoke, 222 Drawing the Goschen Badger, 230 Election Fever--Victim's Vicissitudes, 286 Electric Light and the Householder, 98 Equestrian Clasping his Horse, 237 Ethel "Not at Home" to Governess, 294 Fancy Portrait of Sir W.V. Harcourt, 177 Father reading Son's School Report, 23 Fergusson Catching the Post, 182 Floods (The), 250 Garden Party on a Wet Day (A), 54 Gentleman on a Conjuror's Platform, 155 Gent's Reason for not admiring Browning, 171 German Emperor and Dogs of War, 158 German Emperor's Visit (The), 34 German Exhibition Hero (A), 192 Goddess of the Bathing Machine, 162 G.O.M. and East Dorset Election, 285 Grandmamma and Literary Grandson, 210 "Grandolph ad Leones," 202 Grandolph's Suggestion for Parliament, 94 Grandpapa and the Fortune-teller, 42 Greek Protected Female (The), 218 Hands _versus_ Ears, 123 Hunting Man in a Pond, 213 Inebriated Old Gent and British Association, 106 Irish Sportsman's Rebellious Dogs, 74 John Bull Prospero and Electric Ariel, 254 Jones "Marking" the Game, 261 Ladies in the House of Commons, 58 Ladies _v._ Boys at Cricket, 126 Lady Covets Old Gent's Dog, 78 Lady Godiva and Fair Frenchwoman, 135 Lady inviting Swell to Shoot Geese, 246 Lady Visitor and Mrs. Jones's Concert, 30 Lady wanting to learn Zenana Stitch, 111 Lady wearing a Gentleman's Coat, 147 Lancashire Watering-Place (A), 166 Lightly-Stepping Horse (A), 227 Little Maid and a Toyshopman, 150 Lord Chancellor and Burglar Witness, 242 Mature Siren and Lady Friend, 87 Middle-Aged Ladies' Amenities, 275 Miss Parliamentina puts her House in Order, 82 Mr. and Mrs. Jones on Matrimony, 102 Mr. Punch at the Potteries, 238 Mr. Punch Drinks to the Old Year, 310 Mr. Punch in Ireland, 142 Mr. Punch in Wales, 154 Mr. Punch on Board the Irish Mail, 130 Mr. Punch on Tour in Yorkshire, 274 Mr. Punch Thanking the World, 47 Mr. Punch visits Scarborough Spa, 178 Mrs. Blunderby's "Chef-d'oeuvres," 239 Newspaper Difficulties, 75 Old Cyclist and Roughs, 6 Old Tabby of a Mother-in-law, 306 Old Lady and the Cricket Club, 159 Only One Young Lady at Home, 287 Optical Illusion in Lady's Orchestra, 95 Parliamentary Bees on the Wing, 71 Parliamentary Night-Birds, 10 Parliamentary Official's Holiday (The), 118 Paterfamilias Starting for the Meet, 282 Patient's Vision of Dentist's Forceps, 70 Peer and the Salmon (The), 133 Percy and Miss Fitzogre's Nose, 284 Plain Country Gentleman and Son, 203 Poster for the next German Exhibition, 190 Promising Four-Year-Old Hunter (A), 298 Punch and the Prince of Naples, 49 Quick Change Chancellor (The), 299 Ratepayers' Revolt against County Council, 263 Raven at the War-Office (The), 206 Rector's Wife and Aspiring Buttons, 243 Reminiscence of the Ryde Season (A), 226 Ritchie's Work for Bumble, 110 Royal (Olympic) Divorce (A), 137 Russian Emperor and Republics, 62 Rustic Voter and Party River, 278 Sailors in the Back-yards, 2 Senior and Junior Counsel, 279 Sentry "coming out of his Kennel," 255 Shepherd Gladstone Piping to Agriculture, 290 Sir Augustus Harris, Knight, 59 Sir Richard Temple's Farewell, 107 Slipping down a Road-Car Staircase, 191 Society at the Botanical Gardens, 22 Swell's Difficulty with a Hatband, 99 Sporting Major and Laconic Waiter, 179 Street Ballad-Singer and Harpist, 45 Swell's Idea of seeing "L'Enfant Prodigue," 18 Thames Embankment as it Might be, 214 Tiff between Two Bards (A), 51 Torture by a Circular Hair-Brush, 265 Traveller who has Lost his Purse, 291 Undergraduates discussing Dante, 231 Vocalist and Talking Friends, 11 Wagnerian, but not a Musician (A), 251 Welsh Cars for Lord Mayor's Show, 241 Witch Monopoly and Fair London, 104 Young Bride and "Tom Jones," 270 Young Lady Boating with no Chaperon, 66